Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Shrek: Quick, tell a lie!
Pinocchio: What should I say?
Donkey: Say something crazy, like, "I'm wearing ladies underwear!"
Pinocchio: I'm wearing ladies underwear.
Pinocchio: [silence]
Shrek: Are you?
Pinocchio: I most certainly am not!


Pinocchio: [nose extends]
Donkey: It looks like you most certainly am are!
Pinocchio: I am not!
Pinocchio: [nose extends]
Puss-in-Boots: What kind?
Gingerbread Man: IT'S A THONG!

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

[after drinking a beauty potion]
Donkey: I don't *feel* any different. Do I look any different?
Puss-in-Boots: You still look like an ass to me.

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Shrek: Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.
Donkey: Oh, man! Where do I begin? First there was the time the farmer traded me for some magic beans. I ain't never gotten over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks,

yelling "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Puss-in-Boots: Stop, ogre! I have misjudged you.
Shrek: Join the club. We got jackets.

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Donkey: Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Donkey: What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
Puss-in-Boots: [camera shows just Puss] I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.

Gingerbread Man: Shrek? Donkey?
Puss-in-Boots: [looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him] Too late.

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

[Shrek, Fiona, Fiona's Mom and Dad and Donkey are arguing at the table]
Queen: Harold!
Princess Fiona: Shrek!
Shrek: Fiona...
King: Fiona!
Princess Fiona: Mom!
Queen: Harold!
Donkey: [happily] Donkey!

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

King: Who on earth are they?
Queen: I think that's our little girl!
King: That's not little, that's a really big problem! Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell?
Queen: Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look...
Shrek: Happy now? We came, we saw them.

Now let's go before they light the torches!
Princess Fiona: But they're my parents!
Shrek: Hello, they locked you in a tower!
Princess Fiona: Hey, that was for my own...
King: Good! Now's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home.
Queen: Harold! We have to be...


Shrek: Quick, while they're not looking, we can make a run for it!
Princess Fiona: Shrek! Stop it! Everything is going to be...
King: A disaster! There's no way...
Princess Fiona: You can do this.
Shrek: But I really...
King: Really...

Queen: Really...
Shrek: Don't...
Princess Fiona: Want...
Queen: To...
Shrek: Be...
King: He-ere.

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Donkey: I don't wanna die! I don't wanna DIE! Oh, sweet sister mother of mercy! I'm melting! I'M MEEELTIIING!
Shrek: It's just the rain, Donkey.

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Receptionist: Look, she's not seeing any clients today. Okay?
Shrek: That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.
Receptionist: The union?
Shrek: We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.
Receptionist: Oh, of course.
Shrek: Are you

feeling at all degraded or oppressed?
Receptionist: A little. We don't even have dental.
Shrek: They don't even have dental. Okay, we're gonna have a look around. And buddy, it would be better if the Fairy Godmother doesn't know about this. Know what I mean? Hmm?
Donkey: Hmm?
Shrek: Hmm?

Donkey: Huh? Huh? Huh?
Shrek: Stop it.

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Captain of the Guards: Catnip...
Puss-in-Boots: That's, uh, not mine...

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Donkey: You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Puss-in-Boots: I hate Mondays.

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Donkey: [singing] The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom...
[trails off]
Shrek: Bet my bottom?
Donkey: I'm coming Elizabeth!
[passes out]

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Donkey: [singing] Head 'em up, Head 'em up, Move 'em on, Move 'em on, Head 'em up, Rawhide! Line 'em up, Move 'em on, Head 'em up, Head 'em up, Move 'em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out, Pound dead, Make 'em tea, Buy 'em drinks, Meet their mommas, Milk 'em hard, RAWHIDE! YEE-HAW!

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Donkey: I mean, how good looking could this Prince Charming guy be anyway?
The Ugly Stepsister: Are you kiddin'? He's gorgeous! His face looks like it was carved by angels.
Puss-in-Boots: Hmmm... he sounds dreamy.

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Donkey: Shrek and I drank this potion and well, now... we're sexy!

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

[first lines]
Prince Charming: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land everyone was happy, until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother, who

had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keep, for he was the bravest, and most handsome in all the land, and it was destiny that his kiss would break the

dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her- gasp!
Wolf: What?
Prince Charming: Princess... Fiona?
Wolf: NO!
Prince Charming: Oh, thank heavens! Where

is she?
Wolf: She's on her honeymoon.
Prince Charming: Honeymoon? With whom?

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Donkey: Are we there yet?
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: No!

Shrek 2
Shrek 2

Shrek: [to Donkey] For five minutes, could you not be yourself? FOR FIVE MINUTES!