Shallow Hal Quotes

Hal: See, the problem is I'm kinda picky
Tony Robbins: What do you mean, picky?
Hal: Well, for instance, I like 'em real young. Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first "Sports Illustrated" layout?
Tony Robbins: You're looking for a young Paulina type?
Hal: Well, that face, but with

better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? Heidi Klums beams would do. And her teeth. Or, ooh, that Britney Spears girl. She's got great knockers. But she's a tad muscular. Uh, actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grille. Like, uh, Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did "Grease 2". But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kinda like

Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean. Someone like that.

Tony Robbins: Hal, don't you think you're being a bit shallow here in the way you look at women?
Hal: Well, no! You know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit, too.
Tony Robbins: Ok Hal, hypothetical situation; Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?
Hal: Hmmm, toughie. What

about the remaining breast? Is it big?

[after Mauricio broke Hal's spell]
Hal: Let me ask you something. Who is the all-time love of your life?
Mauricio: [ponders] Wonder Woman.
Hal: Okay... let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you. And everyone else in the world didn't find her attractive.
Mauricio: It wouldn't matter. Because I know

they'd be wrong.
Hal: See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout, I don't care what anybody else saw!
Mauricio: You're right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?

Artie: It never occurred to you that picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way to go about it?
Hal: What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?
Jen: High standards? In the five years I've known you, every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after has been completely out of your league.

Hal: What's that supposed to mean?
Artie: Oh, she doesn't mean anything by it. She's just saying you're not that good looking.
Hal: Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.

Rosemary: Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, ok? Cause it makes me uncomfortable.
Hal: Umm, ok. Do you have a problem with compliments?
Rosemary: Look, I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who's not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl

who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. But when you go around saying I'm something that I'm not, it's just, it's just not nice.