Rat Race
Rat Race

Lucy Impersonator: How about a pit-stop?
Owen Templeton: Sorry, this is a one way flight. There's a bathroom in the back.
Lucy: The latch is broken. Anyone could just walk right in.
Owen Templeton: So? Look, you ain't got nothin' these other Lucys haven't seen before.
Lucy: [man's

voice] Not necessarily.

Rat Race
Rat Race

Enrico Pollini: Look at us go! We're zooming!
Zack Mallozzi: I told you! We're hauling ass!
Enrico Pollini: We're hauling ass! All righty!
Zack Mallozzi: Guess what I got back there.
Enrico Pollini: You just told me. Ass! We're hauling ass!

Rat Race
Rat Race

Jason Pear: I can't believe it, Dad. You stole Adolf Hitler's Mercedes-Benz.
Randy Pear: Well, Hitler had it comin'. What goes around comes around.
Kimberly Pear: Dad, they're gonna be pissed.
Randy Pear: Eh, they're always pissed, Honey. They're Nazis. It's like it's their job.

Rat Race
Rat Race

[after Sinclair has told them repeatedly to "go", to no avail]
Merrill: So, when you say "go", you mean, just go?
Donald Sinclair: Uh, begin, commence, start moving... theoretically you have been racing for about forty seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door.

Rat Race
Rat Race

[Donald Sinclair welcomes all the people who are invited to compete in the "race."]
Donald Sinclair: Excuse me. Thank you all for coming. I'm Donald Sinclair, I own this hotel. We don't have much time. There's a meteor the size of North Carolina heading straight for Earth. The impact is going to kill every thing and everyone on this planet. I built a bunker in the basement

to this casino strong enough to withstand the blast. There's room enough for eight people. I have chosen the seven of you, plus me. When this is over, it'll be up to us to repopulate and re-civilize the planet.
[Everyone looks shocked for about 5 seconds, before Sinclair begins laughing hysterically]
Donald Sinclair: I couldn't resist! I'm sorry.

Rat Race
Rat Race

[a hotel employee hands Nick Schaffer his bill]
Nick Schaffer: What's this $110?
Hotel Clerk: Those are your in-room movies.
Nick Schaffer: No, I didn't watch any movies.
Hotel Clerk: Okay, let's see... Afro Whores.
Nick Schaffer: Afro Whores?
Hotel Clerk:

You watched it... let's see... uh, 11 times.
Nick Schaffer: No, no, no...
Hotel Clerk: Afro Whores, 2:30. Afro Whores, 4 o'clock. Afro Whores, 5:30. It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes and then switched back over to Afro Whores.
Nick Schaffer: I swear I didn't watch it. Okay? I was at a bachelor

party. There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them. You have to take that off my record.
Hotel Clerk: This is not a record, sir.
Nick Schaffer: It... It's a delete.
Hotel Clerk: Okay, fine. How many times *did* you watch it?
Nick Schaffer: None! I didn't watch it!
Hotel

Clerk: Are you sure? "Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters... "
Nick Schaffer: [screaming] I don't need to know what it's about! I did not watch it!
[hotel clerk raises her eyebrows]
Nick Schaffer: I didn't.

Rat Race
Rat Race

Enrico Pollini: I am Enrico Pollini. Now, I know what you are thinking... Enrico is a girl's name.
Owen Templeton: No I wasn't.
Enrico Pollini: No pun intended.
Owen Templeton: What pun was that?

Rat Race
Rat Race

[after losing the heart]
Enrico Pollini: I have lost my heart many times before.
[laughs]
Enrico Pollini: I make a joke to help you forget how screwed you are.

Rat Race
Rat Race

Bev Pear: Your daughter has to go to the bathroom!
Randy Pear: All right, all right, Jason, look in the back for an empty jar.
Bev Pear: A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.
Randy Pear: Oh, right. Sorry. Jason, we're gonna need a jar and a funnel.

Rat Race
Rat Race

Enrico Pollini: Am I too late ? Look I won a coin, a gold coin! Oh, isn't this wonderful? Look at this room, what a beautiful room, have you seen this room?
Randy Pear: Yes! We're in it!

Rat Race
Rat Race

Donald Sinclair: I can do whatever I want. I'm eccentric. Grr!

Rat Race
Rat Race

Kimberly Pear: [Kimberly needs to go to the bathroom] Dad, I'm prairie dogging it!
Randy Pear: What the hell does that mean?
Jason Pear: You know, like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground.
Randy Pear: Oh.
[Five seconds later]
Bev Pear: Ugh!

Randy Pear: Ohh, god, I do not wanna picture that!

Rat Race
Rat Race

Vicki: So Harry, what can I do for you?
Harold Grisham: Okay... here's what I want. First we both get naked.
Vicki: So far so good.
Harold Grisham: Except... we're both wearing sailor hats. Then we get into a jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol, I clip your toenails, and you shave my buttocks.

Vicki: [shocked] Pardon me?
Harold Grisham: Naked, Jacuzzi, Pepto-Bismol, toenails, shave my buttocks. How much would that cost?
Vicki: Harry, you have quite an imagination.

Rat Race
Rat Race

Merrill: We're not crazy, lady!
Vera Baker: We should've bought a squirrel, but we didn't buy a squirrel.
Merrill: Which is why we stole the rocket car.

Rat Race
Rat Race

Duane Cody: It's true, you could break your neck. But it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Rat Race
Rat Race

[an airplane flies past the Cody brothers as they check their map]
Duane Cody: Where the hell is the airport?

Rat Race
Rat Race

Gloria Allred: [after seeing Enrico getting hit by Zack's van] Stay right there! I saw the whole thing. I'll be right down.
Zack Mallozzi: Oh shit! Gloria Allred.

Rat Race
Rat Race

Randy Pear: Jason, where did you get that?
Jason Pear: I found it under the seat.
Randy Pear: Give it to me. You can't play that.
Jason Pear: Why not?
Randy Pear: Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica.
Jason Pear: You're driving his

car!
Randy Pear: Yes, but I'm not touching it with my mouth. I'm not sucking on the dashboard. I'm not getting his germs!

Rat Race
Rat Race

[Tracy gives Nick a can of paint while she's throwing debris on her cheating boyfriend's car]
Tracy Faucet: C'mon, open it!
Nick Schaffer: You know, Tracy, I really don't feel comfortable...
Tracy Faucet: [yelling] OPEN IT!
Nick Schaffer: [nervously] Okay.

Rat Race
Rat Race

Mechanic: [after making some repairs on Tracey's truck] There, it's done, but I still do't think she's gonna hold.
Nick Schaffer: About how much we owe you?
Mechanic: [shrugs] 500 bucks.
Tracy Faucet: For what? For 2 quarts and sealant? No, that's 20 bucks, tops. Here's 40 dollars, that's double what it's

worth.
[hands the mechanic 40 dollars and turns to leave]
Mechanic: [pulls a gun from, his belt] Hold it! Another little tool no mechanic should be without!
Nick Schaffer: Fine, here's your money...
[gives him the money]
Nick Schaffer: . But let me tell you something, Billy Ray. What goes around comes around.

Tracy Faucet: This is so un-... Christian!
Mechanic: Un-Christian? HA! Well, if the good Lord doesn't like the way I conduct business, let him say something! Let him gimme a sign.
[looks up and puts a hand to his ear]
Mechanic: Oh Lord, I'm here, and I'm listening! Helloooooo!
[Veera and her daughter drive past in

the rocket car, and the mechanic's gas station collapses]