My Cousin Vinny Quotes

Mona Lisa Vito: You're goin' hunting?
Vinny Gambini: That's right.
Mona Lisa Vito: Why are you going hunting? Shouldn't you be out preparing for court?
Vinny Gambini: I was thinking last night. If only I knew what he knows, you know? If he'd let me look at his files; oh boy.
Mona Lisa

Vito: I don't get it. What does getting to Trotter's files have anything to do with hunting?
Vinny Gambini: Well, you know, two guys, out in the woods, guns, on the hunt. It's a bonding thing, you know; show him I'm one of the boys. He's not gonna let me look at his files, but maybe he'll relax enough to drop his guard so I can finesse a little information out of

him.
[searches through his clothes]
Vinny Gambini: What am I gonna wear?
Mona Lisa Vito: What are ya gonna hunt?
Vinny Gambini: I don't know. He's got a lot of stuffed heads in his office.
Mona Lisa Vito: Heads?
[Vinny looks up at Lisa]
Mona Lisa Vito: What kinda

heads?
Vinny Gambini: I don't know, he's got a boar, a bear, a couple of deer.
Mona Lisa Vito: Whoa. You're gonna shoot a deer?
Vinny Gambini: I don't know. I suppose. I mean, I'm a man's man, I could go deer hunting.
Mona Lisa Vito: A sweet, innocent, harmless, leaf-eating, doe-eyed little deer.

Vinny Gambini: Hey Lisa, I'm not gonna go out there just to wimp out, you know. I mean, the guy will lose respect for me, would you rather have that?
[Lisa gets up, walks over to the bathroom and shuts the door]
Vinny Gambini: What about these pants I got on, you think they're O.K.?
[Looks down]
Vinny Gambini: Oh!

Mona Lisa Vito: [comes out of the bathroom] Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water... BAM! A fuckin bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now I ask ya. Would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch

who shot you was wearing?

Mona Lisa Vito: The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can't make those marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!
Vinny Gambini: And why not? What is positraction?
Mona Lisa Vito: It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right

and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.
Juror #1: That's right.
Vinny Gambini: Is that it?
Mona Lisa Vito: No, there's more! You see? When the left tire mark goes up on the curb and

the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60s, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and

independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, width, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Vinny Gambini: And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in

metallic mint green paint?
Mona Lisa Vito: They were!
Vinny Gambini: Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very, very much.
[kissing her hands]
Vinny Gambini: You've been a lovely, lovely witness.

Vinny Gambini: Is it possible the two defendants entered the store, picked 22 specific items off of the shelves, had the clerk take money, make change, then leave. Then two different men drive up in a similar -
[Seeing Mr. Tipton shake his head no]
Vinny Gambini: Don't shake your head, I'm not done yet. Wait till you hear the whole thing, so you can

understand this, now. Two different men drive up in a similar-looking car, go in, shoot the clerk, rob him, and then leave?
Mr. Tipton: No. They didn't have enough time.
Vinny Gambini: Well, how much time was they in the store?
Mr. Tipton: Five minutes.
Vinny Gambini: Five minutes? Are you sure? Did you

look at your watch?
Mr. Tipton: No.
Vinny Gambini: Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. You testified earlier that the boys went into the store, and you had just begun to make breakfast. You were just ready to eat, and you heard a gunshot. That's right, I'm sorry. So, obviously, it takes you five minutes to make breakfast.
Mr. Tipton:

That's right.
Vinny Gambini: Right, so you knew that. Uh, do you remember what you had?
Mr. Tipton: Eggs and grits.
Vinny Gambini: Eggs and grits. I like grits, too. How do you cook your grits? Do you like them regular, creamy or al dente?
Mr. Tipton: Just regular, I guess.
Vinny

Gambini: Regular. Instant grits?
Mr. Tipton: No self-respectin' Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits.
Vinny Gambini: So, Mr. Tipton, how could it take you five minutes to cook your grits, when it takes the entire grit-eating world twenty minutes?
Mr. Tipton: [a bit panicky] I don't know. I'm a fast

cook, I guess.
Vinny Gambini: I'm sorry, I was all the way over here. I couldn't hear you. Did you say you were a fast cook? That's it?
[Mr. Tipton nods in embarrassment]
Vinny Gambini: Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than on any place on the face of the earth?
Mr. Tipton: I

don't know.
Vinny Gambini: Well, perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic grits? I mean, did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

Vinny Gambini: It is possible that the two yutes...
Judge Chamberlain Haller: ...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny Gambini: Uh... what word?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Two what?
Vinny Gambini: What?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Uh... did you say

'yutes'?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, two yutes.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: What is a yute?
Vinny Gambini: [beat] Oh, excuse me, your honor...
[exaggerated]
Vinny Gambini: Two YOUTHS.

D.A. Jim Trotter: Now, uh, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
Mona Lisa Vito: It's a bullshit question.
D.A. Jim Trotter: Does that mean that you can't answer it?

Mona Lisa Vito: It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
D.A. Jim Trotter: Impossible because you don't know the answer!
Mona Lisa Vito: Nobody could answer that question!
D.A. Jim Trotter: Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as a "expert witness"!
Judge Chamberlain

Haller: Can you answer the question?
Mona Lisa Vito: No, it is a trick question!
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Why is it a trick question?
Vinny Gambini: [to Bill] Watch this.
Mona Lisa Vito: 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '62. And it wasn't offered in the Bel

Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
D.A. Jim Trotter: Well... um... she's acceptable, Your Honor.

Vinny Gambini: What's the matter with you?
Lisa: I don't know.
Vinny Gambini: You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Lisa: Well, yeah. I am.
Vinny Gambini: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Lisa:

You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
Vinny Gambini: You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Lisa: Oh, Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with

you and I can't do anything about it!
Vinny Gambini: And?
Lisa: Well, I hate to bring it up, because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, TEN YEARS LATER, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is
[taps her foot]

Lisa: TICKING LIKE THIS and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny Gambini: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days.

I got no money, a dress code problem, AND a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your
[taps his foot]
Vinny Gambini: BIOLOGICAL CLOCK - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more SHIT we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?

Lisa: [pause] Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

Vinny Gambini: Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?
[she folds her arms and turns her back on him]
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Would you please answer the counselor's question?
Mona Lisa Vito: No, I hate him.
Vinny Gambini: Your Honor, may

I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
Mona Lisa Vito: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Vinny Gambini: Mrs. Riley, when you saw the defendants, were you wearing your glasses?
Constance Riley: Yes, I was.
Vinny Gambini: Would you mind putting your glasses on for us, please?
[Stumbles a bit from Mrs. Riley's glasses]
Vinny Gambini: Whoa. How long you been wearing glasses?

Constance Riley: Since I was 6.
Vinny Gambini: Have they always been that thick?
Constance Riley: No. They've gotten thicker over the years.
Vinny Gambini: So, as your eyes become more and more out of whack, as you've gotten older, how many levels of thickness have you gone through?
Constance

Riley: I don't know, over 60 years, maybe 10 times.
Vinny Gambini: Maybe you're ready for a thicker set.
Constance Riley: Oh no. I think they're okay.
Vinny Gambini: You sure? Let's check it out.
[Grabs a tape measure from his desk and brings it over to Mrs. Riley]
Vinny Gambini: How far

away were the defendants when when you saw them enterin' the Sac-o-Suds?
Constance Riley: About 100 feet.
Vinny Gambini: A hundred feet.
[Hands Mrs. Riley the end of the tape measure]
Vinny Gambini: Would you mind holding this, please?
[Goes to the courtroom door]
Vinny Gambini: All right,

this is 50 feet, that's half the distance.
[Holds up 2 fingers on his right hand]
Vinny Gambini: How many fingers am I holding up?
[Mrs. Riley is squinting, trying to see the fingers]
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Let the record know that the counsellor is holding up 2 fingers.
Vinny Gambini: [Annoyed] Your Honor,

please?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Oh, sorry.
Vinny Gambini: Now. Mrs. Riley, and *only* Mrs. Riley...
[Judge Chamerlain gives Vinny a dirty look. Vinny holds up 2 fingers on his right hand again]
Vinny Gambini: How many fingers am I holding up now?
Constance Riley: [Squinting, trying to see the

fingers] 4.
Vinny Gambini: [Coming back to Mrs. Riley] What do you think now, dear?
Constance Riley: Thinkin' of gettin' thicker glasses.

Vinny Gambini: I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly to those who will give scientific evidence, so that we can properly prepare for

cross-examination, as well as to give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.
[there is a short pause as Judge Haller appears caught off-guard by Vinny's sudden compentence with knowledge of the law]
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini?

Vinny Gambini: Yes, sir?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: That is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection.
Vinny Gambini: Thank you, Your Honor.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: [firm tone] Overruled.

Vinny Gambini: Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defence, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defence's case holds water?
Mona Lisa Vito: [Lisa examines the picture]
Vinny

Gambini: Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defence's case hold water?
Mona Lisa Vito: No! The defence is wrong!
Vinny Gambini: Are you sure?
Mona Lisa Vito: I'm positive.
Vinny Gambini: How could you be so sure?
Mona Lisa Vito: Because there is no way that

these tire marks were made by a 1964 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
D.A. Jim Trotter: Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: [to Lisa] This is your opinion?
Mona Lisa Vito: It's a fact!

Vinny Gambini: I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!
Mona Lisa Vito: Would you like me to explain?
Vinny Gambini: I would *love* to hear this!
Judge Chamberlain Haller: So would I!

Vinny Gambini: [to the jury] Hey, how ya doin'?
[to witness]
Vinny Gambini: Mr. Crane, what are these pictures of?
Ernie Crane: My house and stuff.
Vinny Gambini: House and stuff. And what is this brown stuff on your window?
Ernie Crane: Dirt.
Vinny

Gambini: Dirt. And what is this rusty, dusty, dirty-looking thing that's covering your window?
Ernie Crane: That's a screen.
Vinny Gambini: A screen! It's a screen. And what are these really big things that are right in the middle of your view of the Sac-o-Suds and your kitchen window, what do we call these big things?
Ernie

Crane: Trees?
Vinny Gambini: Trees, that's right. Don't be afraid, just shout 'em right out when you know 'em. And what are these thousands of little things that are on trees?
Ernie Crane: Leaves.
Vinny Gambini: And these big bushy things between the trees.
Ernie Crane: Bushes.

Ernie Crane: Bushes. So, Mr. Crane, you can positively identify the defendants, for a moment of two seconds, looking through this dirty window, this crud-covered screen, all of these trees, with all of these leaves on them, and I don't know how many bushes.
Ernie Crane: Looks like five.
Vinny Gambini: Uh, uh, uh, don't forget this

one and this one.
Ernie Crane: Seven bushes!
Vinny Gambini: Seven bushes. So, what do you think? Isn't it possible you just saw two guys in a green convertible and not necessarily these two particular guys?
Ernie Crane: I suppose.
Vinny Gambini: I'm finished with this guy.

Vinny Gambini: I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for $200, which she won. I'm here to collect.
J.T.: How 'bout if I just kick your ass?
Vinny Gambini: Oh, a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. This is a tough decision here. Get my ass kicked or collect $200. Let

me think... I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
J.T.: Over my dead body.
Vinny Gambini: You like to renegotiate as you go along, don't you? Well, here's my counter-offer... Do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?

J.T.: In your dreams.
Vinny Gambini: Oh, no, no... in reality. If I was to kick the shit out of you, do I get the money?
J.T.: [in disbelief] You kick the shit out of me.
Vinny Gambini: Yeah.
J.T.: Yeah. You get the money.
Vinny Gambini: So, here are my options.

Option A: I get my ass kicked, or Option B: I kick your ass and collect the 200. I think I'm gonna go with Option B: Kickin' your ass and collecting $200.
[Takes off his jacket]
J.T.: We're gonna fight now?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah. But first, show me the money.
J.T.: I have it.
Vinny Gambini: You

have it, then show it to me.
J.T.: [pause] I can get it.
Vinny Gambini: You can get it? Okay, get it. Then we'll fight.
[Takes his jacket from Lisa]

Vinny Gambini: [Vinny hears a drip in the motel bathroom] Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?
Lisa: So?
Vinny Gambini: Well, did you use the faucet?
Lisa: Yeah.
Vinny Gambini: Then why didn'tcha turn it off?
Lisa: I DID turn it off!
Vinny

Gambini: Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?
Lisa: Did it ever occur to you it could be turned off AND drip at the same time?
Vinny Gambini: No. Because if you'd turned it off, it wouldn't drip!
Lisa: Maybe it's broken.
Vinny Gambini: Is that what you're saying? It's broken?

Lisa: Yeah. That's it, it's broken.
Vinny Gambini: You sure?
Lisa: I'm positive.
Vinny Gambini: Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.
Lisa: I twisted it just right.
Vinny Gambini: How could you be so sure?
Lisa: [sighs] If you will

look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10 to 16 foot-pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.
Vinny Gambini: Well, how could you be sure you used 16 foot-pounds of torque?
Lisa: Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory Edition Signature Series torque wrench. The kind

used by Caltech high energy physicists. And NASA engineers.
Vinny Gambini: Well, in that case, how can you be sure THAT's accurate?
Lisa: Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state AND federal Department of Weights and Measures... to be dead on balls accurate!

[She rips a page out of a magazine and hands it to him]
Lisa: Here's the certificate of validation.
Vinny Gambini: Dead on balls accurate?
Lisa: It's an industry term.
Vinny Gambini: [tosses paper away] I guess the fucking thing is broken.

Vinny Gambini: [Vinny is the lawyer, but Stan thinks he is there to sodomize him] Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other.
[Stan tries to get up]
Vinny Gambini: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan: Gee thanks.
Vinny Gambini: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude

would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.
Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny Gambini: I'm doing a favor, you

know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck!
Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny Gambini: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny Gambini: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just

take care of Sleeping Beauty.
[Wakes up Bill]
Bill: Vinny. Vinny bag o' donuts.

Mona Lisa Vito: What name did you tell him?
Vinny Gambini: Jerry Gallo.
Mona Lisa Vito: Jerry Gallo! The big attorney.
Vinny Gambini: Yeah.
Mona Lisa Vito: Think that was a smart move?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he

checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.
Mona Lisa Vito: His name was in the papers all last week.
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, I saw that.
Mona Lisa Vito: But you didn't actually read the articles.
Vinny Gambini: No.
Mona Lisa Vito: Too bad.
Vinny

Gambini: Why's that?
Mona Lisa Vito: 'Cause he's dead.

Vinny Gambini: [about his secondhand suit, which has an 18th-century look and is red] I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear

the leather jacket, which I know you hate, or this. So, I wore this ridiculous thing for you.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Are you on drugs?
Vinny Gambini: No. I don't do drugs.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: I don't like your attitude.