Mrs. Doubtfire Quotes

Mrs. Sellner: Oh, by the way. Do you have any special skills?
Daniel: Oh, yes, I do. I do voices.
Mrs. Sellner: What do you mean, you do voices?
Daniel: [German accent] Well, I do voices.
Daniel: [as evangelist] Yes!
Daniel: [as martian] We've come to this planet

looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake.
Daniel: [as Russian immigrant] Happy to be in America. Don't ask for a green card.
Daniel: [as monster] I want you in the worst way.
Daniel: [as Groucho Marx] Well this is certainly a rough meeting and it's not going very well for me, I'll tell you that.
[as Chico

Marx]
Daniel: Hey boss, give her a chance. She's gonna loosen up any moment.
Daniel: [as Sean Connery] Look at me right now, Moneypenny, I want to undo that bow and get to know you.
Daniel: [as a used-car salesman] I'll be crazy to make a deal with you!
Daniel: [as Ronald Reagan] Nancy and I are still

looking for the other half of my head.
Daniel: [as Walter Brennan] This is it! Yes, I'm doing it! I'm sitting on a gold mine!
Daniel: [as Humphrey Bogart] Don't make me smack you, sweetheart. I'll do it.
Daniel: [normal voice] I do a great impression of a hot dog.
[leans back straight, trying to keep a straight face]

Mrs. Sellner: Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
Daniel: I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny, but today you have proven me wrong. Thank you.

[last lines]
Mrs. Doubtfire: [reading a letter] "Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick." Oh, my dear Katie. You know,

some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love

you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or

weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet, you're going to be all right... bye-bye.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the old Cunning Linguistics?
Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire, please.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh I'm sorry, am I being a little graphic? I'm sorry. Well, I

hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.

Stu: [about Daniel] What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. See ya.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Loser? Oh, yeah.
[Takes a lime and throws it at Stu's head. Stu looks back, angry]
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, sir. I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff, Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists! They ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting.

I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.

Miranda: [about Stu] Isn't he fabulous?
Mrs. Doubtfire: If you like that handsome rugged type. But personally I prefer short, furry and funny.
Miranda: He just wants to go out and have a drink. I think that's pretty harmless, don't you?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Absolutely not, dear, because they always have other

intentions.
Miranda: This is business mostly. I'll just sit there and sip club soda and we'll go over wallpaper samples.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear Miranda, wake up and smell the coffee. Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes? It's too soon, dear, really. You've got to give your divorce some time, dear. Let your sheets cool down before you bring someone

else into the bed, alright?
Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, may I ask you a question?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, certainly, dear.
Miranda: How long after Mr. Doubtfire passed away... Did you feel any desire...?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Never.
Miranda: Never?
Mrs. Doubtfire:

Never again.
Miranda: Never again?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Once the father of your children is out of the picture, the only solution is total and lifelong celibacy.
Miranda: Celibacy?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Yes. And if you violate that, heaven forgive you! Good luck.

Lydie: Freeze, or you're gonna get it.
Chris: In the balls.
Lydie: Yeah.
[pause]
Lydie: She's got 'em?
Chris: She's got everything.
Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire; in his own voice] All right. Listen to me. I'm not... who you think I am.

Chris: Yeah, no shit.
Daniel: Watch your mouth, young man.

Natalie: We're in the middle of "Charlotte's Web". Who's gonna finish it?
Daniel: Well, Grandma will finish it for you.
Natalie: [whispers] She's not as good. She always skips parts, and she never does the voices. She smells funny, too.
Daniel: That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well preserved.

Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude, but... how was he? You know, on a scale of 1 to 10?
Miranda: Well, that part was always... okay.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Just okay? Well, he was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston.
Miranda: What was the matter with Winston?
Mrs.

Doubtfire: Oh dear, Winston's idea of foreplay was "Effie, brace yourself."

Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire in his own voice] Sorry I'm late. After all those scotches I had to piss like a racehorse.
[Takes a drink of scotch]
Jonathan Lundy: Daniel?
Daniel: Yeah?
Jonathan Lundy: Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?
Daniel: Oh, damn. Well, I'd like

you to meet the host of your new show.
Jonathan Lundy: Host?
Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice] Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in the education and entertainment of children.
[pause]
Daniel: Surprise!
Jonathan Lundy: Tell me, why would Mrs. Doubtfire be a good host?

Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice] I'm a hip old granny who can hip-hop, bebop, dance til ya drop and yo yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.