Crazy Eyes: I watch the stock market channel all the time - I just watch because I suspect that anchor man of being an evil leprechaun... he can bullshit everybody else, but he ain't fooling me.
Babe: [reading a poem Deeds wrote for her] "Hard to breathe / Feels like floating / So full of love my heart's exploding. / Mouth is dry / Hands are shaking / My heart is yours for the taking. / Acting weird / Not myself / Dancing around like the Keebler elf. / Finally time / for this poor schlubb / To know how it feels to fall in lub."
Longfellow Deeds: I
couldn't find any other words that rhyme with "schlub..."
[Babe pulls Deeds towards her and the two kiss for one long moment]
Babe: Oh, Deeds... oh, I am so sorry...
[breaks into tears and runs away]
Longfellow Deeds: No, don't be... I mean, that was my first kiss too...
[Deeds comes to rescue a girl fallen into a frozen pond, but stops when he sees it's Babe]
Longfellow Deeds: Where do you got the camera hidden? In the woods?
Babe: [shivering] No camera! I'm s-s-so cold! Please!
Longfellow Deeds: You're gonna get mugged in there, too?
Babe: I'm s-s-s-so s-s-s-sorry! I
really l-l-love you!
Longfellow Deeds: Bu-bu-bu-bu-bullshit!
Babe: You must be Jan. My name is...
Jan: I know who you are. Wham-Bam Dawson, a.k.a. Little Miss Slut-slut.
Babe: Okay, I deserved that...
Jan: Do you have any idea how much you hurt him? You're not getting anywhere near that boy.
Babe: I have to find him, and there's nothing you can
do to stop me.
Jan: [rolls up her sleeves] There's a lot I can do to stop you.
Babe: He needs to know how bad I feel, and I would go to the end of the earth, I would do anything, *anything*, to take back what I did to him.
Jan: ...I'm sorry? All I heard was, "blah blah blah, I'm a dirty tramp."
Emilio: How can I thank you?
Longfellow Deeds: All I want is your friendship, Emilio. You're a good man.
Emilio: Deeds! How about a billion dollars?
Longfellow Deeds: Alright.
Emilio: Done.
Longfellow Deeds: What are you in for?
Crazy Eyes: Eeh, I'm doin' an overnighter for bitin' the mailman.
[waves his hand]
Crazy Eyes: He was tryin' to cast some spell on me like a wizard or somethin'.
Longfellow Deeds: You sure about that?
Crazy Eyes: On second thought maybe he
was just wavin'.
[waves hand then sees Chuck and Cecil]
Crazy Eyes: Who're your friends?
Longfellow Deeds: This is Chuck and Cecil, they're visiting from New York.
Crazy Eyes: I don't like 'em.
Longfellow Deeds: Ok then.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Now Brother Preston is soaring with eagles high above, because he lived a life of love. Yes he's flying way up high, because he was a supercool guy. He's gone away, too soon it seems, leaving behind his unfinished dreams.
Longfellow Deeds: This guy could live a life writing greeting cards.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Yes we
remember Preston Blake, a man with faith no man could shake. A strength no man could break. A character no man could fake. For goodness sake, let's eat some cake.
Funeral attendants: Amen
Longfellow Deeds: You, sir. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Shareholder: I wanted to be veterinarian.
Longfellow Deeds: Cool. Why did you want to do that?
Shareholder: I wanted to help sick animals.
Longfellow Deeds: And what do you do now?
Shareholder:
I own a chain of slaughterhouses.
Longfellow Deeds: Kind of went the other way on that one.
Longfellow Deeds: Anyone else?
Shareholder: I wanted to be a magician!
Longfellow Deeds: What do you do now?
Shareholder: I operate a pornographic website.
Longfellow
Deeds: I guess that makes people happy too, in a much grosser way.
Emilio: You're fired. You're fired. You're fired. You, sir, you are definitely fired.
Cecil Anderson: I'd like to stay. I think I can do some good around here.
[Emilio looks at Deeds, who nods in approval]
Emilio: Okay, not fired. But tomorrow morning, you will let me change your socks.
Cecil Anderson:
[Weirded out] Okay.
[In burning building]
Cat Lady: I'm not leaving without my kitties!
Longfellow Deeds: How many do you got?
Cat Lady: Seven.
Longfellow Deeds: Holy shit. Let's get cracking.
[he starts to search, but turns back]
Longfellow Deeds: I apologize for the language.
Cat Lady: Apology accepted.