If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.
My life needs editing.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
I was on stage last night, and I gave a medical report about Donald Trump. I said he was hospitalized for an attack of modesty.
I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
Too much comedy today is vulgar, not clever. I say that as a comedian and as a consumer.
A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
When people write comedy from neutrality, it just gets kind of silly.
My humor was Victorian - and still is.
Comedians have to challenge the power. Comedians should be dangerous and devastating - and funny. That's the hardest part.
There's a great feeling of powerlessness in America. When I express ideas to people, they say, 'That's terrific, but do you think it really counts?'
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
I dare say that if most comedians today, the gifted ones, were to sit down and write, they'd learn more about their craft. But what happens is they get out there before they learn what their viewpoint is, if any.
I used to go to two movies every week for the Saturday matinee when I was a kid.
I was always biting the hand that fed me. It was compulsive. Kennedy was very good to me, and I attacked him as soon as he was elected. I attacked him before he was elected.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
I was afraid no one would laugh, and I wanted to pretend I wasn't noticing the audience. I didn't want the audience to get the idea I was telling a joke and waiting for a laugh.
Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.
I didn't think that anything is beyond humor - not profane humor, but a good, honest approach to humor.
