Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.