Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Hank Evans: You know, I think you're a very special unit.
Irene P. Waters: That's sweet.
Hank Evans: I hope we get to know each other better.
Irene P. Waters: Yeah, me too.
Hank Evans: Do you swallow?

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Hank Evans: Hey, ringworm.
[Softball Player looks around]
Hank Evans: Yeah, I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick up that butt, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole?
Softball Player: Hey, man, take it easy. It's just a cigarette.
Hank

Evans: Oh yeah? Well, this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around, it can leave one hell of a mess.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Shonte Jr.: Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherfuckin' deuteron!
Jamaal: Shit, man, that shit's simple! Okay. Tell me this. Tell me this.
Shonte Jr.: What? What?
Jamaal: What's a deuteron made up of?
Shonte Jr.: Duh, a proton and a neutron.

Jamaal: Then what's this motherfuckin' electron doing right there?
Shonte Jr.: Shit, I don't know!
Jamaal: Well, get it outta there then!
Shonte Jr.: Okay, so, you're sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right, I see's that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron? Can I bring it

over here?
Jamaal: Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his motherfucking grave if he heard that stupid shit. I mean, he'd just turn over ass up in your face. He wouldn't give a fuck!
Lee Harvey: Hey, Jamaal, man, just cut my man some slack, dog.
Jamaal: Look here, man, I'm just tryin' to help him save face, all right? I mean, you

know, he keep askin' questions like that, motherfuckers gonna think he's stupid!
Shonte Jr.: I ain't stupid.
Jamaal: Aw, shit, man.
Charlie Baileygates: Mornin', fellas.
Lee Harvey: Oh, hey, Dad.
Jamaal: Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?
Charlie Baileygates:

What's all the commotion down here?
Jamaal: Oh, you know, just school shit and shit.
Charlie Baileygates: How's my little guy doing?
Shonte Jr.: Struggling. This quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'm gonna get myself another B-plus.
Charlie Baileygates: Ooh, that'd be whack.

Lee Harvey: Man, he so fuckin' dumb, he think calculus is a goddamn emperor.
Jamaal: [bumping fists] Give it up, dog.
Shonte Jr.: Yeah, well, you think polypeptide's a motherfuckin' toothpaste!

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Hank Evans: Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Hank Evans: Vagiclean, huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?
Mrs. Bittman: Excuse me?
Hank Evans: No, excuse me. There's no tag on this.
[grabs microphone]
Hank Evans: Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've

got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

[In the roadside eatery, a kid with glasses is slurping his drink annoyingly, and then Charlie transforms into Hank]
Hank Evans: What are you staring at, fucker? You wanna start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. I'm due for a seismic event and you're dancing on the fault line.
Kid's Father: [the father stands and approaches] Hey,

what is your problem, pal?
Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Charlie Baileygates: I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules when I go: no bitches after eleven.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Guy on Street: Hey big guy, you hear the news, my son Billy got the lead in his school musical.
Hank Evans: Well I guess he likes the cock after all.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Irene P. Waters: I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me!
Hank Evans: Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side.
[shrugs]
Hank Evans: I was horny.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Jamaal: He may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person!
Hank Evans: [singing to The Dwarves' MotherFucker] I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo...
[sees Irene with a lawn dart at the ready]
Hank Evans: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[turns off radio]
Hank Evans: What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Hank Evans: Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!
Irene P. Waters: Look, I don't know what that means, okay?
Hank Evans: It means either he's gotta make up a battle plan, or old Hank's gonna have to take over for Charlie for good.
Irene P. Waters: Did

you just refer to yourself in the fourth person?

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

[Charlie takes his medication at the Massena Police Station]
Irene P. Waters: What are those for?
Charlie Baileygates: Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.
Irene P. Waters: What's it called?
Charlie Baileygates: Advanced delusionary

schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Irene P. Waters: Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, OK? I saw your so-called "supplies."
Hank Evans: Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.
Irene P. Waters: I was talking about the shovel and the lime.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Lee Harvey: Shit, yeah, man, look, you keep fuckin' around, you gonna get that scholarship to Yale taken away from you. Be stuck up there at Stanford with those goddamn sling-blade motherfuckers.
Jamaal: Shit, motherfucker, you be lucky to get accepted to Duke, gettin' a 1430 on yo' SATs.
Lee Harvey: Motherfucker, you know I had the

flu.
Jamaal: The flu, my ass! You had a motherfuckin' aneurysm to get a 1430!

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Hank Evans: So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?
Irene P. Waters: Oh, all over.
Hank Evans: Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Hank Evans: Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Shonte Jr.: Man how the hell can they call Pluto a planet? No motherfucking planet has an elliptical orbit. This shit don't make no sense.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Mr. Murphy, Disabled Guy: [seeing Hank Evans urinating into the tank] Get your cock out of my Chrysler, you son of a bitch!

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

Lee Harvey: Is your old lady happy?
Lieutenant Gerke: Is my old lady happy?
Lee Harvey: Yeah, because if your fuckin' is anything like your police work then you couldn't hit the G-spot on a twelve pound pussy.

Me, Myself & Irene
Me, Myself & Irene

[When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground]
Hank Evans: Well fuck my ozone.