Max Jerry Horovitz: The reason I forgive you is because you are not perfect. You are imperfect. And so am I. All humans are imperfect.
Max Jerry Horovitz: [to Mary] You are my best friend. You are my only friend.
Max Jerry Horovitz: When I was young, I invented an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli. My psychiatrist says I don't need him anymore, so he just sits in the corner and reads.
Max Jerry Horovitz: Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. I asked my mother when I was four, and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. If you aren't Jewish, they're laid by Catholic nuns. If you're an atheist, they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.
Max Jerry Horovitz: [in letter to Mary] I cannot understand how being honest can be considered improper. Maybe this is why I don't have any friends.
Max Jerry Horovitz: Not much has happened since I last wrote except for my manslaughter charges, lotto win, and Ivy's death.
Max Jerry Horovitz: People often think I am tactless and rude. I cannot understand how being honest can be improper. Maybe this is why I don't have any friends.
Max Jerry Horovitz: Butts are bad because they wash out to sea, and fish smoke them and become nicotine-dependent. I am just joking, because of course it is impossible for a cigarette to remain lit underwater. Also, fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in.
Max Jerry Horovitz: I have also invented some new words. "Confuzzled", which is being confused and puzzled at the same time, "snirt", which is a cross between snow and dirt, and "smushables", which are squashed groceries you find at the bottom of the bag. I have sent a letter to the Oxford Dictionary people asking them to include my words but I have not heard back.
Young Mary: [about Len Hislop] He's scared of outside, which is a disease called homophobia.
[last lines]
Narrator: He smelled like licorice and old books, she thought to herself, as tears rolled from her eyes, the color of muddy puddles.
Narrator: Max knew nothing about love. It was as foreign to him as a salad sandwich.
Max Jerry Horovitz: Tell Bernie Clifford your birth mark is made of chocolate, which means when you get to heaven you will be in charge of all the chocolate. This of course is a lie, I do not like lies, but in this case I think it will be of benefit. I wish I could be in charge of all the chocolate, but of course I can not, because of my Atheism.
Max Jerry Horovitz: Do you have a favourite-sounding word? My top-five are "ointment," "bumblebee," "Vladivostok," "banana," and "testicle."
[first lines]
Narrator: Mary Dinkle's eyes were the color of muddy puddles. Her birthmark, the color of poo.
Narrator: Max hoped Mary would write again. He'd always wanted a friend. A friend that wasn't invisible, a pet or rubber figurine.
Max Jerry Horovitz: Jurors are outstanding members of the community who haven't murdered anybody.
Max Jerry Horovitz: It would be good if there was a Fat Fairy. She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy but would suck out your fat.
