Machete: Machete don't text.
Booth: Machete sent me a text.
Osiris Ampanpour: What did it say?
Booth: "You just fucked with the wrong Mexican."
Sartana: I thought Machete don't text.
Machete: Machete improvises.
Henchman: Please father... have mercy.
Padre Benito del Toro: God has mercy. I don't!
Federale Officer: You're the boss.
Machete: No.
[Pulls out machete]
Machete: This is the boss.
Padre Benito del Toro: It's not safe for you to be here.
Machete: I'm not looking for "safe".
Padre Benito del Toro: No, I mean it's not safe for me for you to be here!
[Padre quickly blesses Machete]
Padre Benito del Toro: I absolve you of all your sins. Now, get the fuck out!
Padre Benito del Toro: [offers Machete a cigar] Cuban?
Machete: Mexican.
Torrez: You're Machete's girl. I know, 'cause you're his type.
Sartana: What type is that?
Torrez: Dead.
Von Jackson: Habla inglés?
Luz: Depends on the question.
Booth: Tell me, where are my wife and daughter?
Machete: With God.
Booth: Well, I guess I won't be seeing them.
Sartana: We didn't cross the border; the border crossed us!
Sniper's Henchman: Boss ain't gonna like this. What are we gonna tell him?
Sniper: Oops...
Sartana: Yes, I am a woman of the law. And there are lots of laws. But if they don't offer us justice, then they aren't laws! They are just lines drawn in the sand by men who would stand on your back for power and glory.
April Booth: Do you even know how many hits I get on my website?
Booth: You have a website? She has a website? Did you know about this?
April Booth: I know all about what the online public wants. And they want me. All of me.
Booth: That does it. I'm sending you to a convent.
Sartana: Well, there's the law and there's what's right. I'm gonna do what's right.
Senator McLaughlin: [after shooting a Mexican trying to cross the border] Welcome to America.
Machete: Are you Shé?
Luz: If I were Shé, do you think I'd be operating a taco truck? Shé brings hope. Shé rights the wrongs. Unfortunately, Shé is a myth.
Doc Felix: How's the eye?
Luz: What eye?
