Guido: Buon giorno, Principessa!
Bartolomeo: They are looking for someone who speaks German, to translate their instructions.
Guido: Me! I'll do it, I'll translate!
Bartolomeo: Do you speak German?
Guido: No.
Guido: What are your political views?
Other Man: [speaking to his two sons] Benito, Adolf! Sit down! Sorry Guido, what did you say?
Giosué Orefice: [slowly reading signage on confectionery shopfront] "No Jews or dogs allowed".
[turning to Guido]
Giosué Orefice: Why aren't Jews or dogs allowed to go in?
Guido: They just don't want Jews or dogs to go in. Everybody does what they want to, Joshua.
[pointing at store ahead]
Guido: There's a hardware store there. They don't let Spanish people or horses into his store.
[pointing at another store]
Guido: Further ahead, there's a drugstore. Yesterday, I was with a Chinese friend who had a kangaroo. I said, "May we?" "No, we don't want any Chinese or kangaroos here." They don't like them. What can I tell you?
Giosué Orefice: We let everybody into our bookshop.
Guido: No. From now on, we'll write it too. Is there anybody you don't like?
Giosué Orefice: Spiders. What about you?
Guido: [mock-seriously] I don't like Visigoths. Starting tomorrow we'll write: "No spiders and Visigoths allowed." I'm sick and tired of
these Visigoths.
Guido: [pretending to translate] The game starts now. You have to score one thousand points. If you do that, you take home a tank with a big gun. Each day we will announce the scores from that loudspeaker. The one who has the fewest points will have to wear a sign that says "Jackass" on his back. There are three ways to lose points. One, turning into a big crybaby. Two, telling us
you want to see your mommy. Three, saying you're hungry and want something to eat.
Guido: I forgot to tell you.
Dora: Go ahead.
Guido: You can't imagine how much I feel like making love to you. But I'll never tell anyone, especially not you. They'd have to torture me to make me say it.
Dora: Say what?
Guido: That I want to make love to you - not just once, but over
and over again! But I'll never tell you that. I'd have to be crazy to tell you. I'd even make love to you now... right here for the rest of my life.
Guido: [carrying his son through the camp] You are such a good boy. You sleep now. Dream sweet dreams. Maybe we are both dreaming. Maybe this is all a dream, and in the morning, Mommy will wake us up with milk and cookies. Then, after we eat, I will make love to her two or three times. If I can.
Eliseo Orefice: Nothing is more necessary than the unnecessary.
Giosué Orefice: They make buttons and soap out of us.
Guido: Eh...
[momentarily lost for words]
Guido: What are you saying?
Giosué Orefice: They burn us all in the oven.
Guido: Who told you that?
Giosué Orefice: A man was crying. He said they make us
into buttons and soap.
Guido: [laughs and gesticulates animatedly] You fell for that? Again? I thought you were a sharp boy... cunning, intelligent. Buttons and soap out of people? That'll be the day! You believed that? Hahaha! Just imagine. Tomorrow morning, I wash my hands with Bartolomeo... a good scrub. Then I'll button up with Francesco.
[pretends to button up
concentration camp uniform, from which a button comes loose and falls to floor]
Guido: Darn it all!
[picks up button]
Guido: Look, I just lost Giorgio! Does this look like a person? Hahaha, come on! They were teasing you! And you fell for it! What else did they tell you?
Giosué Orefice: That we get cooked in the oven.
[continues solemnly as Guido starts laughing hysterically]
Giosué Orefice: They burn us up in the oven.
Guido: [laughing and clapping hands] You fell for that too! You just eat everything up! I've heard of a wood oven, but I've never seen a man oven before. Ah ha... "I'm made of wood!" "Take this lawyer... poomp!"
[pseudo-seriously]
Guido: "This lawyer doesn't burn. He's not dry enough.
[continues animatedly]
Guido: Look at that smoke!" Oh Joshua... buttons, soap, we get burned in the oven... Let's be serious now.
[simulates hopping]
Guido: I have a sack race with the bad guys tomorrow...
Giosué Orefice:
[interrupting] That's enough. I want to go home.