Lewis Black
Lewis Black

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are.

Lewis Black
Lewis Black

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.