Danny Madigan: You think you are funny, don't you?
Jack Slater: I know I am. I'm the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger.
Danny Madigan: Schwarzenegger!
Jack Slater: Gesundheit.
[after seeing a "Terminator 2" poster with Sylvester Stallone]
Danny Madigan: No. It's not possible!
Jack Slater: What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever!
Danny Madigan: But... that was you! YOU were in that movie!
[a girl close-by hears them]
Video Babe: [to
Jack] You were in a movie?
Jack Slater: Yes. It was called "The Girl of My Dreams". It starred you. As a matter of fact, there was this very romantic scene where we had dinner together.
[Jack Slater is Hamlet]
Hamlet: Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake!
Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash.
Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince.
Hamlet: [shooting him] Who said I'm fair?
Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night.
Hamlet: To be or not to be? Not to be.
Danny Madigan: Where are the ordinary, everyday women? They don't exist because this is a movie!
Jack Slater: No, this is California.
Benedict: Gentlemen. Since you are about to die anyway, I may as well tell you the entire plot. Think of villains Jack. You want Dracula? Dra-cool-la? Hang on
[takes out the ticket]
Benedict: , I'll fetch him. Dracula? Huh. I can get King Kong! We'll have a nightmare with Freddy Krueger, have a surprize party for Adolf Hitler, Hannibal Lecter can do
the catering, and then we'll have christening for Rosemary's Baby! All I have to do is snap my fingers and they'll be here. They're lining up to get here, and do you know why Jack? Should I tell you why? Hmm? Because here, in this world, the bad guys can win!
Benedict: I wonder if you'd help me test a theory?
Mechanic: Sure, what can I do for ya?
Benedict: Well...
[Benedict shoots him. He listens for a while, looks at his wristwatch, then shouts]
Benedict: Hello? I've just shot somebody, I did it on purpose!
[listens some more, still nothing]
Benedict: I said, I have murdered a man and I want to confess!
[listens some more, someone tells him, "Hey, shut up, down there!". He looks pleased]
Jack Slater: [John Practice has just betrayed Slater] Danny told me not to trust you. He said you killed Mozart.
John Practice: Mo- who?
Jack Slater: -zart.
John Practice: [thinks for a bit, shrugs] You know, I kill a lot of people, I can't remember half of them.
Dekker: SLAAAAAAAAAATERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Benedict: I understand you are interested in drug dealers.
Danny Madigan: [whispering] Jack, that's him, the henchman with the glass eye.
Jack Slater: Sir, are you a henchman?
Benedict: No, I only go as far as lackey. Anything else?
Jack Slater: Yeah, take off your sunglasses.
Benedict: Who's asking?
Jack Slater: [flashes Police badge] The tin man.
Benedict: Well, tin man, suppose you hit the bricks.
Jack Slater: No, they're the wrong color.
Benedict: Are they? Oh dear. Let's change them. Would arterial red suit you?
[points to guard dogs]
Benedict: Make no mistake, they are exceptionally well-trained.
[snaps fingers, dogs form pyramid]
Benedict: I snap my fingers again and some time tomorrow, you emerge from several canine rector. Or you and Toto can return to the land of Oz. Questions?
Jack Slater: Yeah, two of them. Why am I wasting my time with silly putz
like you when I could be doing something more dangerous - like rearranging my sock drawer? Two, how exactly are you going to snap your fingers, after I rip off both of your thumbs?
[pause, Benedict reveals smiley-face eye]
Benedict: Have a nice day!
[closing the door, he overhears Danny]
Danny Madigan: He had one with a bulls-eye when
he was with your second cousin. He hates his boss, he calls him a "Sicilian schmuck."