Kramer vs. Kramer Quotes

Phyllis Bernard: Hello Kramer.
Ted Kramer: Will you check the copy on the Mid-Atlantic.
Phyllis Bernard: Sure.
Ted Kramer: I think its okay.
Phyllis Bernard: [studying the document] Yes.
Ted Kramer: Yes, what?
Phyllis Bernard: [looks at

Ted] Yes, I'll have dinner with you.
Ted Kramer: Thank you.

Billy Kramer: What is this crap?
Ted Kramer: Salisbury steak.
Billy Kramer: I hate it!
Ted Kramer: You do not hate it. You had it last week and you loved it.
Billy Kramer: No I didn't. I hate the brown stuff. It's gross.
Ted Kramer: All that is is onions and

gravy.
Billy Kramer: I'm allergic to onions!
Ted Kramer: You are not allergic to onions. You had this last week and, remember, I told you it was my favorite when I was a little boy and you said it's my favorite too.
Billy Kramer: I did not.
Ted Kramer: Yes, you did. Here, it's regular hamburger. Just

give it a little bite. It's delicious!
Billy Kramer: Yeech!
Ted Kramer: What's the matter?
Billy Kramer: I think I'm gonna throw up. It's yucky!
Ted Kramer: It's not yucky, Billy. Eat it!

Billy Kramer: What else didn't you have when you were little?
Ted Kramer: We didn't have lots of things.
Billy Kramer: Like?
Ted Kramer: Like a lot of things.
Billy Kramer: What kind?
Ted Kramer: Come here. We didn't have diet soda. We had egg creams - which is a

little bit of chocolate syrup and a little bit of seltzer water and a little bit of milk and you went Shoooosh! all swooshed up when you drank it and it was de-licious. We didn't have the Mets, but, we had the Brooklyn Dodgers. We had the Polo Grounds. We had Ebbits Field. Ah, boy, those were the days. And we didn't have the Volkswagens; but, we had all those different kind of cars with the funny

names on 'em. We didn't have any Burger Kings or McDonalds. We had automats where you went inside and you put a quarter in and you get, you know, a piece of pie or a sandwich that you see through a window. We didn't have any graffiti; but, we had this guy, Kilroy, and he went down the street...

Ted Kramer: You had a date. I knew it! I knew you were keeping something from me.
Margaret Phelps: Well, you know, I told you I thought he was a pretty neat guy, right.
Ted Kramer: Right.
Margaret Phelps: So, we go to dinner.
Ted Kramer: Yeah.
Margaret Phelps: I

find out he's married, he's deep in analysis, and, get this, he starts to tell me his life story. And all I can think of, while I'm sitting there, is that I'm paying a babysitter three dollars and a quarter an hour to listen to his problems!

Gressen: Would you say you've achieved a certain status or position in your profession?
Ted Kramer: Yes, I think I have a pretty good reputation.
Gressen: Mr. Kramer, when you were working at Roth, Kane & Donavon what was your salary?
Ted Kramer: I was making around $32,000 a year.

Gressen: And now, I believe, you're working at Norman, Craig and Kummel?
Ted Kramer: Yes.
Gressen: And what is your salary there?
Ted Kramer: Its almost 29,000.
Gressen: Could you be more specific, Mr. Kramer?
Ted Kramer: I make $28,200.

Gressen: 28,200. Well, Mr. Kramer, you're the only person that I've heard that is working his way down the ladder of success.

Ted Kramer: The fact is that for the last six months I've been spitting blood to get this agency one of the biggest accounts its ever had and at five o'clock this afternoon we got the account! At eight o'clock I'm walking home with the Vice President who tells me I'm going to be the next Creative Director of this Department and I come through this door, to share with my wife who

what was going to be one of the five best days of my life and she looks at me and tells me she doesn't want to live with me anymore! Don't you understand what she's done to me?
Margaret Phelps: Yeah, she lost her part of one of the five best days of your life.