Juno Quotes

Juno MacGuff: I'm just like losing my faith with humanity.
Mac MacGuff: Can you can narrow that down for me?
Juno MacGuff: I just wonder if like, two people can ever stay together for good.
Mac MacGuff: You mean like couples?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah, like people in love.
Mac

MacGuff: Are you having boy troubles? Because I gotta be honest with you; I don't much approve of dating in your condition, 'cause well... that's kind of messed up.
Juno MacGuff: Dad, no!
Mac MacGuff: Well, it's kind of skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?
Juno MacGuff: Please stop.

Mac MacGuff: [persisting] Tore up from the floor up?
Juno MacGuff: That's not what it's about. I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.
Mac MacGuff: Well, it's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10

years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy.
[Juno nods]
Mac MacGuff: Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

Juno MacGuff: Yeah. And I think I've found that person.
Mac MacGuff: Yeah sure you have - your old D-A-D! You know I'll always be there to love you and support you no matter what kind of pickle you're in... Obviously.
[nods to her belly]
Juno MacGuff: Dad, I think I'm just going to, like, shove out for a sec, but I

won't be home late.
Mac MacGuff: Ok. You were talking about me right?

Rollo: So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?
Juno MacGuff: I don't know. It's not seasoned yet.
[grabs products]
Juno MacGuff: I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
[shakes pregnancy tester]
Rollo: That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This

is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet.

Leah: [Answers the phone] Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.
Juno MacGuff: [On the phone with her] I'm at suicide risk.
Leah: Juno?
Juno MacGuff: No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah: Only the one in my pants...
Juno MacGuff: I'm pregnant.

Leah: What? Honest to blog?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleekers.
Leah: It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
Juno MacGuff: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even

generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing...
Juno MacGuff: I don't know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D... Anyway dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah: Is this for real? Like, for real for real?
Juno MacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.
Leah: Oh

my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno MacGuff: There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.

Su-Chin: I'm having a little trouble concentrating.
Juno MacGuff: Oh well I could sell you some of my Adderall if you want.
Su-Chin: No thanks I'm off pills.
Juno MacGuff: That's a wise choice because I knew this girl who like had this crazy freak out because she took too many behavioral meds at once and she

like ripped off her clothes, and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and was like, "Blah I am a Kracken from the sea!"
Su-Chin: I heard that was you.
Juno MacGuff: Well, it was good seeing ya Su-Chin.

Ultrasound Technician: Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
Leah: Yes!
Juno MacGuff: No!
Leah: Pleease, Juno, please!
Juno MacGuff: No, there will be no sex!
Ultrasound Technician: Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
Juno

MacGuff: Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me I'll just, like, ruin everything.
Ultrasound Technician: Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
Juno MacGuff: No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.
Ultrasound Technician: Oh, well thank goodness for that!

Bren: What's that supposed to mean?
Ultrasound Technician: I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
Juno MacGuff: How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Leah: Or, like,

stage parents.
Bren: They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
Ultrasound Technician: I guess not.
Bren: What is your job title exactly?
Ultrasound Technician: I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.

Bren: Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
Ultrasound Technician: Excuse me?
Bren: Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed.

So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade.
Juno MacGuff: Bren! You's a dick! I love it!

Leah: Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
Juno MacGuff: I'm Pregnant.
Bren: Oh, God.
Juno MacGuff: But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend

that this never happened.
Mac MacGuff: You're pregnant?
Juno MacGuff: I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday... morning.
Bren: I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno MacGuff:

I, uh...
Mac MacGuff: Who is the kid?
Juno MacGuff: The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren: Nails, really?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah!
Mac MacGuff: No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno

MacGuff: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac MacGuff: Paulie Bleeker?
Juno MacGuff: What?
Mac MacGuff: I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah: I know, right?

Juno MacGuff: Yea, you just take Soupy-Sales to prom I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what Bleek? I might pumice my feet, uh, I might go to Bren's Unitarian Church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? Cause all those things, would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you.
Paulie

Bleeker: You're being really immature... You have no reason to be mad at me, I mean, you know, you broke MY heart. I should be royally ticked off at you. I should be really cheesed off, I shouldn't want to talk to you anymore.
Juno MacGuff: What? Cause I got bored and had sex with you and I didn't want to like marry you?
Paulie Bleeker: Like

I'd marry you! You'd be the meanest wife ever, okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then 'The Blair Witch Project' was coming on Starz and you were like 'I haven't seen this since it came out and if so we should watch it' and then 'but oh, no, we should just make out instead la la la'
Juno MacGuff: You just take

Katrina the douchepacker to prom. I'm sure you two will have like a real bitchin' time.
Paulie Bleeker: Well, I still have your underwear!

Juno MacGuff: Ow, ow, fuckity-ow! Bren, when do I get that spinal tap thing?
Bren: It's called a spinal block. And you can't have it yet, honey. The doctor said you're not dilated enough.
Juno MacGuff: You mean I have to wait for it to get worse? Why can't they just give it to me now?
Bren: Well, honey,

doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream...
[Juno lets out painful scream, Brenda checks her watch]
Bren: Shit.
[to doctor]
Bren: Hey, can we get my kid the damn spinal tap already?