I'm Italian, but some people think I'm Jewish because I work the Yiddish. I also work the Italian, by the way.
I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.
I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?
I love a Dustbuster. You go around, pick up little crumbs, and everything is nice again.
Never eat at a Chinese restaurant named Mama Teresa's Trattoria.
I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.
You know, I'm a comedian the same as Bill Maher and Jon Stewart. We all came up the same way. The three of us have interest in politics; I call us fundits, we're fundits! We're not pundits!
I read the 'New York Times', I read 'The Nation', I read 'Newsweek', I read 'Time Magazine', I read 'Politico', I read 'Mediaite'. This is what I do! I read every day, I have interests, I'm like everybody out there who's watching, who's out there watching, you know?
I want a man in my life, not in my house.
I don't want to do just a liberal show.
Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.
The Republicans do not have feeling for people who are in bad shape.
It's a completely useless emotion - jealousy. I don't go there.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck could run for vice president.
I don't profess to be an expert on anything, or have the memory for who ran in 1952. I am an informed American citizen, that's my position.
I'm interested in so many different things and I'd like to cover a lot of territory. I'm trying to see my show as the Sunday 'Times.' You have the Arts & Leisure section, you have the Op-Ed page, you have the Book Review... even the Style section has those wonderful essays about relationships.
I think looks do matter on television.
Have four things going. I have stand-up comedy, two television shows and I'm working on a play. I like to work, and I fear that something could fall through. You know what they say: 'The show must go off.'
When people heckle me, I have the microphone. And the press has the microphone.
I do like talk shows. I'm interested in talking to people.
