Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
