Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Jay: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is makin' the movie... we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made 'em eat.

Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love- Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Jay: What are you trying to say? Just say it already.
Silent Bob: [screams] THE SIGN on the back of the car said "Critters Of HOLLYWOOD", YOU DUMB FUCK!
Jay: Say it, don't spray it.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
Jay: What buzz?
Holden: The Internet buzz.
Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?
Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share

pornography with one another.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Jay: [singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noise noise noise, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noise, noise noise / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and

smokin'...
Teen #2: Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?
Teen #1: What the hell are you singing?

Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.
Teen #2: You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
[Silent Bob points to the two teens]
Teen #1: Yeah, Purple Rain.
Teen #2: Man, that shit was so

gay - fucking eighties style.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

[deleted scene]
Hooker #1: Hey, little man! You want some of this?
Hooker #2: How 'bout you, big boy?
Hooker #1: You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.
Jay: Oh, yeah? How nasty?
Hooker #2: As nasty as you want to be, papi.
Jay: Oh, all right. Well, first, I

want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a

bullfrog. Then I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.
[stunned silence]
Hooker #1: Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return!
[both hookers leave]
Jay: What? You said "nasty"!
[to Silent

Bob]
Jay: Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Cock-Knocker: Don't fuck with the Jedi Master, son.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Jay: I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little fuck
[referring to Silent Bob]
Jay: , none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that,

commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.
Jay: Who?
Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from

Ork in it?
Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a motherfucker.
[high fives Holden]
Holden: What's up now.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Miramax Security Guard Gordon: Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot, requesting backup.
Echo Base: [over Gordon's walkie talkie] I thought that was a 10-82.
Miramax Security Guard Gordon: No sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.
Echo Base: [slightly amused]

Oh, that Affleck! Backup on the way...

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

[several security guards, led by Gordon, have suddenly rushed onto the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season]
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
Matt Damon: [exasperated] Oh Jesus, again Ben?
Ben Affleck: [cocky] No, bullshit, because I wasn't WITH a hooker

today, ha-HA!
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: There they are!
Jay: Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo!

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Jay: Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who fucked the pie!
Jason Biggs: You see! It's never "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie! I'm HAUNTED by it!
James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie!

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

[Cock-Knocker has gotten his hand chopped off]
Cock-Knocker: Not again.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

[Justice and Sissy are engaged in a fist-fight]
Sissy: Your shit is really getting tired, Justice.
Justice: Call me 'Boo-Boo-Kitty-Fuck', bitch.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Banky: Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
Jay: All these assholes on the Internet are callin' us names because of this fuckin' stupid movie.
Banky: That's what the Internet's for, slandering others anonymously! Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!
Jay: This isn't fair! We came to Hollywood, I fell in love.

Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts by a guy named Cockknocker!
Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for "Bluntman and Chronic." So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!

Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember? For likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis for your intellectual property, "Bluntman and Chronic," when said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium.

As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a VERY actionable position.
[Banky stares at Silent Bob in disbelief]
Jay: Yeah.
Banky: You guys are gonna ruin my movie career.
Jay: Well, we want somethin' for our mental anguish.
Banky: Tell

you what: let's settle this monetarily. I'll give you half of what I make.
[Silent Bob's eyes widen in surprise]
Jay: [eagerly] Half?
Banky: Half's not enough? Fine, I'll give you two-thirds of what I make.
Jay: Fuck you, you already said half. You can't take it back.
[Silent Bob rolls his eyes]

Banky: Done.
[they smile and shake hands as Silent Bob shakes his head]

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Matt Damon: Just take it from "It's a good course."
Ben Affleck: Oh, now you're the director.
Matt Damon: Hey shove it, Bounce-boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this shit in the first place. Talking me into Dogma was one thing, but this...
Ben Affleck: Hey look, I'm sorry I dragged you away from

whatever-gay-serial-killers-who-ride-horses-and-like-to-play-golf-touchy-feely-picture you're supposed to be doing this week.
Matt Damon: I take it you haven't seen Forces of Nature?
Ben Affleck: You're like a child. What've I been telling you? You gotta do the safe picture. Then you can do the art picture. But then sometimes you gotta do the payback

picture because your friend says you owe him.
[They both take a beat and look at the camera]
Ben Affleck: And sometimes, you go back to the well.
Matt Damon: And sometimes, you play Reindeer Games.
Ben Affleck: See, that's just mean.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Shannen Doherty: Fucking Miramax! Cut!
Wes Craven: Shannen, I usually say cut.
Shannen Doherty: A monkey? Wes? Jesus, you're not even trying anymore are you?
Wes Craven: The Market research says that people love monkeys.
[Jay and Silent Bob run in and grab the monkey]
Jay: WE

LOVE THIS MONKEY!
[to a crew member]
Jay: Do something.
Wes Craven: See?

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Sissy: Since you let our patsy slip away, you gotta convince the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. They gotta break into Provasik now.
Justice: Uh-uh.
Sissy: Uh-huh. You'll do it, or you're out of the gang, Justice. Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him, since he's SO fucking in love with you.

Justice: Jay? No, he's not.
Sissy: What am I, blind? He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van like he was fucking Lord Byron?
Justice: Well, maybe he just has manners.
[cut to Jay outside, hollering at a woman walking past him]
Jay: Yo, baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an

overcoat?
[he turns to Silent Bob, who stares at him in shock]
Jay: Yeeaah...!

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Whillenholly: It may not be my way, but damn if there doesn't go one happy family. All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll... Fuckbeans. That was them, wasn't it?

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Tricia Jones: [on "Bluntman and Chronic: The Movie"] Well! That was just another paean to male adolescence and its refusal to grow up.
Alyssa Jones: Yeah, sis. But it was better than "Mallrats". At least Holden had the good sense to leave his name off of it.
Tricia Jones: Why didn't Miramax option his other comic instead. You know,

the one about you and him and your "relationship"?
Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy"? That would never work as a movie.
Tricia Jones: But...

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

[believing Jay and Silent Bob to be their stunt doubles]
Jason Biggs: You're doubling me, obviously. I play Bluntman, aka Silent Bill.
James Van Der Beek: Bob.
Jason Biggs: Right. And he's playing Chronic, aka Ray.
James Van Der Beek: Jay. Fuck, Biggs, did you even READ the script?
Jason

Biggs: There's a script?
James Van Der Beek: Listen, Potzer!
Jason Biggs: There's a script for this movie?
James Van Der Beek: You wouldn't last A DAY on the Creek. A day.
Jason Biggs: Fuck you and your Dawson's Crap! Go to hell, Pacey! Go to hell!
James Van Der Beek: At

least call me by the right fucking character.