Asian Minister: Now place the ring on his hand. A ring is like a circle, it goes on forever. It's not like a triangle, triangle have corners. It's like a circle.
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: Gentlemen, I have a very simple policy. What you shove up your ass is your own business.
Alex McDonough: You know, Larry's heavyset. Is that the kind of guy you've always been attracted to?
Chuck Levine: Ah no, he's my first fattie.
Alex McDonough: You guys really seem like you have a lot of sexual chemistry.
Chuck Levine: I float his boat and he sinks mine.
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: You guys are gonna be busier than a test bench in a plunger factory!
Chuck Levine: Going in alive.
Larry Valentine: Coming out the same way.
Larry Valentine: Domestic partnership.
Chuck Levine: Domestic partnership? You mean like faggots?
Larry Valentine: No, I mean yeah but, no, not us. Obviously. Just on paper.
Chuck Levine: Paper faggots?
Larry Valentine: Well, the accepted vernacular is "gay"... but yes.
Chuck Levine: [In court, both leaning together to kiss, cringing] Going in straight.
Larry Valentine: Coming out... gay?
Chuck Levine: What do you got?
Larry Valentine: Maxi Pads.
Chuck Levine: What, do we have vaginas now? Put it back!
Chuck Levine: I'm not an animal! I'm a whore! You don't want to marry the town whore. Believe me, you're better than that.
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: And most importantly, they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love, be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, pansexual, transexual, omnisexual or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a ballon, it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people.
Asian Minister: Civil or religious?
Chuck Levine: Religious. I'm Jewish, I don't wanna piss my mother off.
Larry Valentine: I'm Catholic, I don't wanna piss Mel Gibson off.
Jerky Boy: Mr. Valentine, you said you're a fireman.
Larry Valentine: Yes, that is correct.
Jerky Boy: Do you have two jobs? Because my dad said that you're also a butt pirate.
[as Larry leans in to kiss him at their wedding, Chuck smacks him hard across the face]
Chuck Levine: [to Asian Minister] That's how we roll in our house, baby.
Larry Valentine: Chuck, we really pulled this one out our asses.
Chuck Levine: Bad choice of words there, Larry. Bad choice of words.
Kevin McDonough: Hey, apple dumpling, what's crack-a-lacking?
Chuck Levine: Gay guys know how to dance good. It's like the law or some shit.
