Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Hobie Doyle: Would that it were so simple?

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Hobie Doyle: It's complicated.

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Hobie Doyle: Would that it were so simple.
Laurence Laurentz: Would that it were so simple!
Hobie Doyle: Would that it were so simple.
Laurence Laurentz: Would that it were so simple!
Hobie Doyle: Would that it were so simple.
Laurence Laurentz: Would that it

were so simple!

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Director: Squint against the grandeur!

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Carlotta Valdez: It's all in the hips, the lips, and the eyes and the thighs.

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Catholic Clergyman: God has children.
Rabbi: What? And a dog? A collie, maybe? God doesn't have children. He's a bachelor. And very angry.
Catholic Clergyman: No! No! He used to be angry!
Rabbi: What? He got over it?
Protestant Clergyman: You worship the god of another age!

Catholic Clergyman: Who has no love!
Rabbi: Not true! He likes Jews.

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Baird Whitlock: Hobie Doyle?... You're a Communist too?

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: Perhaps, Sir, you are forgetting is telling in the Holy Bible.
Eddie Mannix: You're quite right, Patriarch. The Bible, of course, is terrific.

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Eddie Mannix: Baird Whitlock has been kidnapped.
Hobie Doyle: This is bad. Bad for movie stars everywhere.

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Eddie Mannix: Tell them, "Thanks, but no thanks." That short enough for you?

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Catholic Clergyman: It's the foundation of our belief that Christ is most properly referred to as the Son of God. It's the Son of God who takes the sins of the world upon himself, so that the rest of God's children, we imperfect beings, through faith, may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
Eddie Mannix: So, God is - split?
Catholic

Clergyman: Yes! And no.
Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: There is unity in division.
Protestant Clergyman: And division in unity.
Eddie Mannix: I'm not sure I follow padre.
Rabbi: Young man, you don't follow for a very simple reason. These men are screwballs.

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Protestant Clergyman: Who plays Christ?
Eddie Mannix: A kid we're all very excited about, Todd Hocheiser, a wonderful young actor we found in Akron, Ohio, after a nationwide talent hunt. But Hocheiser is seen only fleetingly and with extreme taste. Our story is told through the eyes of a Roman tribune, Autochlus Antonius, an ordinary man, skeptical at

first, but who comes to a grudging respect for this swell figure from the East.

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Eddie Mannix: Let me see if Arne is open to matrimony. You sure he's the father?
DeeAnna Moran: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, he's the father, yes!
[Mannix starts to walk away]
DeeAnna Moran: ... Pretty sure.

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Hobie Doyle: Uh, is it hard to dance with all them bernanners on your head?

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Baird Whitlock: These guys are pretty interesting, though. They've actually figured out the laws that dictate - everything! History! Sociology! Politics! Morality! Everything! It's all in a book called Capital - with a "K".
Eddie Mannix: Is that right?
Baird Whitlock: Yeah. You're not going to believe this. These guys even figured

out what's going on here at the Studio. Because the Studio is nothing more than an instrument of capitalism. Yeah, so we blindly follow these laws like any any other institution. Laws that these guys figured out. The Studio makes pictures to serve the System. That is it's function! That's really what we're up to here.
Eddie Mannix: Is it?
Baird

Whitlock: Yeah. Its just confirming what they call - the status quo. I mean, we may tell ourselves that we're creating something of artistic value or there's some sort of spiritual dimension to the picture business. But, what it really is, is this fat cat, Nick Skank, out in New York, running this factory, serving up these lollipops to the - what they used to call the bread and circuses

for the...
Eddie Mannix: [Grabs Baird and slaps him] Now, you listen to me, buster. Nick Skank and the Studio have been good to you and to everyone else who works here. If I ever hear you bad mouthing Mr. Skank again, it'll be the last thing you say before I have you tossed in jail for colluding in your own abduction.
Baird Whitlock: Eddie, I

wouldn't, I would never do that!
Eddie Mannix: [Slaps Baird some more] Shut up! You're gonna go out there and you're going to finish "Hail Caesar!" You're gonna give that speech at the feet of the penitent thief and you're gonna believe every word you say.
[slaps Baird some more]
Eddie Mannix: You're going to do it because you're an actor and

that's what you do. Just like the director does what he does and the writer and the script girl and the guy who claps the slate. You're gonna do it because the picture has worth! And you have worth if you serve the picture and you're never gonna forget that again.
Baird Whitlock: I won't forget, Eddie.
Eddie Mannix: Damn right, you won't. Not as long

as I run this dump.

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Burt Gurney: We are heading out to sea and however it will be, it ain't gonna be the same. cause no matter what we see, when we're out there on the sea, we ain't gonna see a dame. we'll be searching high and low on the deck and down below but it's a crying shame. Oh, we'll see a lot of fish but we'll never clock a dish. We ain't gonna see a dame. No dames! we might see some

octopuses No dames! or a half a dozen clams No dames! we might even see a mermaid But mermaids got no gams! No gams! Have I got a girl for you! out there on the sea! Here's how it will be i'm gonna dance with you, pal you're gonna dance with me! When we're out there on the sea we'll be happy as can be Or so the Captain claims! But we have to disagree. Cause the only guarantee Is I'll see a lot of

you And you'll see a lot of me! And it's absolutely certain That we'll see a lot of sea. But we ain't gonna see no dames. No dames! We're going to sea! No dames! We're going to sea! No dames! We're going to sea! We ain't gonna see no Dames!

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Baird Whitlock: He didn't see a Roman or a Slave, but a man.

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

DeeAnna Moran: Hey, Maxie, bring me my ass back!

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Eddie Mannix: We don't need to agree on the nature of the deity here. If we could focus on the Christ, whatever his parentage. My question is: is our depiction fair?
Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: I have seen worse.
Eddie Mannix: Reverend?
Protestant Clergyman: There's nothing to offend a - reasonable man.

Eddie Mannix: Father?
Catholic Clergyman: The motion picture teleplay was respectful and exhibited tastefulness and class.
Rabbi: Who made you an expert all of the sudden?
Eddie Mannix: And, what do you think, Rabbi?
Rabbi: Eh? I haven't an opinion.

Hail, Caesar!
Hail, Caesar!

Baird Whitlock: *That's* who benefits!