Becky Feder: [about the bug zapper] Daddy! Where is it taking them?
Marcus Higgins: ...Hell.
Lenny Feder: Higgins. Don't say that.
Marcus Higgins: Oh I'm sorry not Hell... Mexico.
[from trailer]
Bean Lamonsoff: Mommy, I want some milk.
Sally Lamonsoff: Come here. I'll give you a little something.
[starts breastfeeding Bean]
Roxanne Chase-Feder: Your son is so cute. How old is he?
Eric Lamonsoff: 48 months.
Kurt McKenzie: [pause] That's 4.
Eric Lamonsoff: [pause] Yeah.
Water Park Stud: [in a high pitched voice] What's up ladies? I'm from Sascatchatoon! That's up in Canada, eh? You American ladies ever been up to Sascatchatoon? Yeah, you American ladies would enjoy being in Sascatchatoon.
[all the wives laugh at him]
Water Park Stud: Hoseteasers.
[walks off angry]
Deanne McKenzie:
Everything was on steroids except for his voice.
Gloria: Life can be difficult sometimes, it gets bumpy. What with family and kids and things not going exactly like you planed. But that's what makes it interesting. In life the first act is always exciting. The second act... that is where the depth comes in.
Deanne McKenzie: Since when did you learn to speak Chinese?
Kurt McKenzie: Just a little something I picked up watching a Chinese cooking show.
Deanne McKenzie: That's great. Maybe you should focus a little less on the talking, and a little more of the cooking.
Mama Ronzoni: [laughs] You got told.
Kurt McKenzie: You got toe.
Marcus Higgins: Hey Lenny, remember when we'd come here after we got wasted?
Donna Lamonsoff: [Hearing what Marcus just said] What's wasted?
Lenny Feder: Nice one, Higgins. Wasted is when you have a hankering for ice cream.
[All the kids are talking about wanting to get wasted]
Donna Lamonsoff: I want
to get wasted every day of my life.
Becky Feder: I want to get chocolate wasted.
Lenny Feder: You see that? You just aim for a spot and shoot the ball there?
Eric Lamonsoff: It's true. Your dad has won over 50 games with that shot.
Greg Feder: Really? Because that shot doesn't work on the Wii.
Eric Lamonsoff: Well, you should Wii-turn that Wii and get yourself a Wii-fund. Tim Duncan has
had over a hundred game winners with that shot.
Eric Lamonsoff: I gotta make a sissy.
Kurt McKenzie: Come on, you made three already.
Rob Hilliard: It must be oozing out at this point.
Eric Lamonsoff: Shut up. I'm trying to concentrate.
Kurt McKenzie: It's taking a piss, not the SATs.
Lenny Feder: Are you
peeing or is a diesel truck turning off? What the hell is that?
Marcus Higgins: Listen to hamper bottom. I think he's sending a message in Morse code. Getting old. Stop. Can't pee. Stop. Reek like an asparagus. Stop. Even though I didn't have any. Stop.
Bean Lamonsoff: I want mommy's milk!
Eric Lamonsoff: No more mommy's milk.
Bean Lamonsoff: I want mommy's milk.
[a kid walks by with a milk carton, which Eric takes]
Milk Kid: Hey!
Eric Lamonsoff: Here's a dollar, get out of here. Now drink it.
Bean
Lamonsoff: I don't know if mommy will like that.
Eric Lamonsoff: Just watch me drink it.
[Bean drinks the milk carton]
Bean Lamonsoff: I'm just like daddy.
Kurt McKenzie: Yay! More for us!
Roxanne Chase-Feder: Excuse me, Princess Rita. Are you just gonna sit there or are you gonna help me?
Rita: No, Mr. Feder said that I must study for the big final.
Roxanne Chase-Feder: What final?
Rita: You tell me, he just keeps handing me books.
Mama Ronzoni: [farts] Curly. Shame on you. That crazy dog. Must have got into some of my leftover pasta fasul.
Deanne McKenzie: Yes, Mama, I'm sure that's exactly what happened.
Mama Ronzoni: It did. We should get a dog.
Deanne McKenzie: Heh. We need to get a water buffalo. Whoo!