Stuntman Mike: Do I frighten you?
[Arlene nods]
Stuntman Mike: Is it my scar?
Arlene: It's your car.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. It's my mom's car.
Stuntman Mike: Well Pam, which way you goin' left or right?
Pam: Right.
Stuntman Mike: Aww, that's too bad.
Pam: Why?
Stuntman Mike: Well, because there was a fifty-fifty shot on whether you'd be going left. You see, we're both going left. You could have just as easily been going left
too and if that was the case, it would have been awhile before you started getting scared. But since you're going the other way, I'm afraid you're gonna have to start getting scared... immediately!
Trailer voiceover: [from segment Werewolf Women of the SS] Featuring Udo Kier, Sheri Moon Zombie, Tom Towles, Sybil Danning, Bill Moseley, and Nicolas Cage
[pause]
Trailer voiceover: as
[pause]
Trailer voiceover: Fu Manchu!
Fu Manchu: THIS IS MY MECCA! AHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!
Dr. Dakota Block: [looking at the glove compartment] I want you to open that for mommy. Can you?
[he opens it, and there is a gun sitting inside]
Dr. Dakota Block: Take the gun.
[He takes it]
Dr. Dakota Block: Careful! That's it. And if anyone comes to the door that isn't me, I want you to shoot them. Okay? I'm not
kidding Tony, you shoot them in the head.
Tony Block: What if it's dad?
Dr. Dakota Block: ESPECIALLY if it's your dad.
Pam: Take a picture, it lasts longer.
Stuntman Mike: What?
Pam: That table. Seems to keep them getting your attention.
Stuntman Mike: Is that the girl from the billboard outside?
Pam: Yup.
Stuntman Mike: She sure is a striking looking woman. Look at that hair.
Pam: Lots of leave-in conditioner.
Stuntman Mike: Is that jealousy I detect?
Pam: Hardly. But if you wanna get with Jungle Julia, there's a real easy way to do that.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah? And what would that be?
Pam: Get famous. You won't have to find her, she'll find you. And you
don't even wanna know what she did for that billboard. Enjoy it cocksucker, you've earned it.
Stuntman Mike: What did she ever do to you?
Pam: We went to school together, from kindergarten to high school, that's what she did to me. She was her height right now at twelve. She was a monster! Half the guy she still fucks from the old class she used to
beat up and terrorize in the fifth grade.
Stuntman Mike: And I see she used to beat you up and take your chocolate milk.
Pam: That pituitary case might've kicked my ass a couple of times... Sorry, I'm built like a girl and not a black man, but I'd die before I ever gave Julia Lucai my chocolate milk.
[repeated line]
Cherry: I was going to be a stand-up comedian.
Abernathy: I was wondering if my friends and I could take the car out on our own just to see if we feel comfortable in it.
Jasper: Why would I do something stupid like that?
Abernathy: To better sell your automobile.
Jasper: How do I know you're not just gonna steal it?
Abernathy: Four
reasons. One: we are not thieves. Two: that would be rude. Three: we are staying at the Day's Inn in town, you can check with them, we are registered for the next month. Well, Zoe's not, but Kim and I are so we are totally track-downable.
Jasper: Who's Kim? The colored girl?
Abernathy: Yes, Kim would be the girl of color. And four, and most
importantly, that will give you a chance to get to know our other friend, Lee.
[points out Lee]
Jasper: She looks kinda familiar
Abernathy: That is because she is a famous movie star. We are making a Hollywood movie here in town
Jasper: Why's she dressed like that?
Abernathy: Because it's a
cheerleader movie and she's one of the cheerleaders.
Jasper: What's a cheerleader movie?
Abernathy: A movie about cheerleaders.
Jasper: Is it a porno?
Abernathy: [looks at Jasper] *Yes*! But don't mention it. She's shy.
J.T.: Hey, hey. You want some barbeque? Best in Texas.
Cherry: Oh, no thanks.
J.T.: What's the matter? You don't eat meat?
Cherry: Oh, I eat meat. I also eat lots of shit.
Cherry: [grins] See that?
J.T.: What's that?
Cherry: Shit-eating
grin.
J.T.: [laughs] You ought to be a comedian.
Cherry: What do you think of the leg?
J.T.: [laughs] Sure is funny.
Stuntman Mike: You know how people say, YOU'RE OKAY IN MY BOOK, or AND IN MY BOOK THAT'S NO GOOD. Well, I actually have... a book. And everybody I ever met goes in this book. And now I've met you, and... YOU'RE GOING IN THE BOOK TOO. Unfortunately, now I'm gonna have to file you under chicken... shit.
Cherry: Look, you were being an unbelievable dick. I was walking out on you. I was cold, I took your fucking jacket. So, if you're go on one of your psycho, obsessive, controlling rants about a fucking jacket, then fucking take it 'cuz I'd rather fucking freeze than fucking hear about it one more time.
Arlene: Who do you want to hear?
Jungle Julia: Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
Arlene: Who?
Jungle Julia: Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
Arlene: Who the fuck are they?
Jungle Julia: For your information, Pete Townsend, at one point, almost quit The
Who. And if he had, he would have ended up in this group, thus making it Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Tich and Pete. And if you ask me, he should have.
[flips on the radio to hear "Hold Tight" by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich]
Jungle Julia: That's my boy!
Pam: Hey Warren, is there anybody in this place you could vouch for to give me a ride home?
Stuntman Mike: [tosses keys across table in front of Pam] Fair lady, your chariot awaits.
Pam: You've been eavesdropping?
Stuntman Mike: [chuckles] Eavesdropping and can't help but hear, I think I belong in the latter
category.
Pam: So, uh, "icy hot", you're offering me a ride home?
Stuntman Mike: I'm offerin' you a lift, if, when I'm ready to leave, you are too.
Pam: And when are you thinking about leaving?
Stuntman Mike: Truthfully, I'm not thinkin' about it. But when I do, you will be the first to know.
Pam: Will you be able to drive later?
Stuntman Mike: I know looks can be deceiving, but I'm a teetotaler. I've been drinking club soda and lime all night, and now I'm buildin up to my big drink.
Pam: Which is what?
Stuntman Mike: Virgin Pina Colada.
Pam: [pause] Okay. Why would someone
who doesn't drink spend hours at a bar, drinking water?
Stuntman Mike: You know, a bar offers all kinds of things other than alcohol.
Pam: Hmm, really. Like what?
Stuntman Mike: [pause] Women. Nacho Grande platters. The fellowship of some fascinating individuals, like Warren here.
Pam: Fair enough. So
what's your name, icy?
Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Mike.
Pam: [pause] "Stuntman Mike's" your name?
Stuntman Mike: You can ask anybody.
Pam: Hey Warren, who is this guy?
Warren: Stuntman Mike.
Pam: And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?
Warren: He's a stuntman.