Siegfried: How do I know you're not Control?
Maxwell Smart: If I were Control, you'd already be dead.
Siegfried: If you were Control, you'd already be dead.
Maxwell Smart: Neither of us is dead, so I am obviously not from Control.
Shtarker: That actually makes sense.
Agent 23: It's not over Max, I'll take that briefcase.
Maxwell Smart: If you want it, you'll have to take it.
Agent 23: [pause] That's what I just said!
Maxwell Smart: I know, I'm just trying to annoy you!
Agent 99: Did you see anything while I was dancing?
Maxwell Smart: Just once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you so high.
Agent 23: If you don't follow the rules here then what are we?
The Chief: I'm telling you what we're not, we're not people who jam staples into other people's heads, that's CIA crap!
Agent 99: Inside there's a pill, if captured it will cause death in nine seconds.
Maxwell Smart: Great, but how exactly do I get them to take it?
[pause]
Maxwell Smart: Not much of a laugher are you?
Maxwell Smart: Am I wearing boxers? For future reference, I usually prefer briefs for their security and peace of mind. Going free-bird is not exactly ideal. I don't like it.
Agent 99: Are you staring at my butt?
Maxwell Smart: No, no, I... I was, but I'm not... I'm staring again.
Agent 99: Max has no experience, and I don't want him as my partner.
Maxwell Smart: Well, that is a sucker punch to the gonads.
Larabee: Put me out there, chief, I'm not afraid to expose myself.
Agent 99: Do you ever think before you speak?
Larabee: No, I just whip it out there. It's what's best.
Maxwell Smart: Well, you were no help at all.
Agent 99: How could I help? I'm just a woman with a dusty old uterus.
Maxwell Smart: I never said dusty.
Maxwell Smart: This whole week, last night, you know me.
Agent 99: Apparently not.
Agent 23: Oh my God, you two? You and Max? You said we had to break up cause we worked together!
Maxwell Smart: Oh my God, you and 23? I am so sexually threatened right now.
Siegfried: [to Dalip] Well, you did your job, so I suppose I can't kill your wife. Although to be honest, I'd be doing the sighted world a favor...
[Dalip kicks Siegfried out of the car]
Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief: If you're thinking "Holy shit! Holy shit! A swordfish almost went though my head!" If so, then yes.
Dalip: [hugging Max and sobbing] Her sister's such a bitch!
Agent 99: Use your peripherals! Do you see him?
Maxwell Smart: I'm just widening my eyes. I'm not actually seeing anything more.
[turns around to look]
Maxwell Smart: Woah, that's a bad guy, that's a really bad guy! Did you see his face? His head looks like one of the Easter Island heads!
