65 Funny People Quotes (2024)

Funny People

Eminem: Everyone in this fucking room is either staring at us, wanting to take a fucking picture.
Ira Wright: [Ira takes a picture of Eminem and George from across the room] Yeah. Got it.
Ray Romano: E-mail that to me.
Ira Wright: I will. That's awesome.
Ray Romano: Yeah.

Eminem: Who the fuck is that guy right there?
Eminem: [Eminem points at Ray] That fucking guy right there.
George Simmons: What? Ray Romano's bothering you?
Eminem: Who? Ray, Ray who?
George Simmons: Ray Romano, the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond.
Eminem: I

don't give a fuck what show he's on. I'll fuck this motherfucker up, man!
George Simmons: Hey.
Eminem: Hey, Ray!
Ray Romano: Hello, Marshall.
Eminem: Fucking problem here, buddy?
[Ray shakes his head confused]
Eminem: Would you like to fuck me? Is that what this is?

Ray Romano: [to Ira] I don't get it, man. What's going on?
Eminem: Would you like me to fucking bend over for you right now?
Ira Wright: [whispering] Say no.
Ray Romano: No, man.
Eminem: [to George] I just gotta always be on my toes, man. You know?
George

Simmons: I see that, but not with Ray Romano.
Ray Romano: [to Ira] This is why I don't go out of the house.
Ira Wright: I thought everybody loved you.

Funny People

Eminem: You know what? I think you fucked up.
George Simmons: How's that?
Eminem: I think you fucked up. I think... I don't think you should have took that medicine.
George Simmons: Why not?
Eminem: I don't know. Personally, I think you should have just let yourself die. Honestly man,

what are - what are gonna do now? Make another bullshit movie? Fuck another chick who doesn't like you? You know? That was your way out right there.
George Simmons: Mmm.
Eminem: Now you're fucking stuck.
George Simmons: Yeah.
Eminem: You're stuck, just like me. Can't go to fucking Chuck E. Cheese. I

can't go to Target, I can't go to Best Buy. I can't go to fucking Wal-Mart, K-Mart. You fucking name it, I can't go there.

Funny People

Dr. Lars: It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease.
George Simmons: Did anybody ever tell you, you have a very scary accent?
Dr. Lars: You are a very funny man. I enjoy your movies.
George Simmons: And I enjoy all of your movies.
Dr. Lars: [surprised]

Which movies?
George Simmons: The ones where you try to kill Bruce Willis.

Funny People

Eminem: What exactly are we celebrating here?

Funny People

Ira Wright: I masturbate so much with hand cream, I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating. Literally, when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream, I'm like "This guy's about to jerk off!"

Funny People

Mark: When my grandfather died, there was one candle next to his bed. And the candle started flickering. We all thought it was him going to Heaven, you know?
Leo: You don't pass through fire to get to Heaven. I think he went to Hell.

Funny People

Leo: I just came back from the new Harry Potter movie. Harry's getting old. He's like older than my dad. They should start calling him Harold Potter. And that Hermione had some big, ole, tit-tays!

Funny People

James Taylor: Fuck Facebook!

Funny People

George Simmons: So, Ira Wright? That's not your real name. You're hiding some Judaism.
Ira Wright: I don't think I can hide that. My face is circumcised.

Funny People

Ingrid: I like the movie where you have a baby's body.
George Simmons: So you like Re-Do.

Funny People

Leo: I wanna put my eye-glasses on your asshole so it looks like you're blowing me when I fuck you in the ass, you *jerk*.

Funny People

Ira Wright: Do you ever get tired of singing the same songs, you know, over and over?
James Taylor: Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick?

Funny People

Tom Anderson: Do you actually use MySpace?
George Simmons: No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom. I don't have time for that.

Funny People

Ira Wright: One of my roommates told me that he was Joe Pesci's son, I believed him for three years. I still get shit about that.

Funny People

Daisy: I am sick of these guys' rap songs. They say 'Girl, drop it like it's hot', 'Shake it'. I want to make a rap song that says 'Boy, brush your teeth, give me your jacket, I'm fucking freezing.'

Funny People

Leo: Go lose 20 more pounds, you son of a bitch!

Funny People

George Simmons: Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you fuckin' talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's gonna come up to afterward and be like 'Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?' That's fuckin' insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?