Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

[at Gareth's funeral]
Matthew: Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings. He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in. In order to prepare this speech, I rang a few people, to get a general picture of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him: 'Fat' seems to have been a word people most connected

with him. 'Terribly rude' also rang a lot of bells. So very 'fat' and very 'rude' seems to have been a stranger's viewpoint. On the other hand, some of you have been kind enough to ring me and let me know that you loved him, which I know he would have been thrilled to hear. You remember his fabulous hospitality, his strange experimental cooking: the recipe for "Duck à la Banana" fortunately goes

with him to his grave. Most of all, you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy. When joyful, when joyful for highly vocal drunkenness. But I hope joyful is how you will remember him, not stuck in a box in a church. Pick your favourite of his waistcoats and remember him that way. The most splendid, replete, big-hearted, weak-hearted as it turned out, and jolly bugger most of us ever met. As for

me, you may ask how I will remember him, what I thought of him. Unfortunately, there I run out of words. Perhaps you will forgive me if I turn from my own feelings to the words of another splendid bugger: W.H. Auden. This is actually what I want to say: "Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, Bring out

the coffin, let the mourners come. Let the aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead, Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'. Put crepe bows 'round the white necks of the public doves, Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest; My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song. I thought that love would last forever; I

was wrong. The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood, For nothing now can ever come to any good."

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

[at second wedding]
Mrs. Beaumont: Are you married?
Fiona: No.
Mrs. Beaumont: Are you a lesbian?
Fiona: Good lord! What makes you ask that?
Mrs. Beaumont: Well, it is one of the possibilites for unmarried girls nowadays, and it's rather more interesting than saying, "Oh dear,

never met the right chap," eh?
Fiona: Quite right. Why be dull?
Mrs. Beaumont: Thank you.
[pause]
Fiona: The truth is... well, the truth is, I have met the right person, and he's not in love with me, and until I stop loving him, no one else really has a chance.
Mrs. Beaumont: Oh, what a shame.


Fiona: Yes, isn't it?
[another pause]
Fiona: I was a lesbian once at school, but only for about fifteen minutes. I don't think it counts.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Charles: Ladies and gentlemen, l'm sorry to drag you from your desserts. There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man. This is only the second time l've been a best man. I hope I did OK that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of

months ago. But l'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech. The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise, but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage. Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus. There are no

skeletons in his cupboard. Or so I thought. I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today. I know I couldn't do it and I think it's wonderful they can. So, back to Angus and those sheep.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

[Charles comes running after Carrie]
Charles: Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and... , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it

slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on...

Carrie: That was very romantic.
Charles: Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Charles: How do you do, my name is Charles.
Old man: Don't be ridiculous, Charles died 20 years ago!
Charles: Must be a different Charles, I think.
Old man: Are you telling me I don't know my own brother!
Charles: No, no.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Tom: Oh, I don't know, Charlie. Unlike you, I never expected "the thunderbolt." I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and, um, settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Gareth: A toast before we go into battle. True love. In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say, "I was adored once too."

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Charles: Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?
Fiona: The name's Carrie.
Charles: Pretty.
Fiona: American.
Charles: Interesting.
Fiona: Slut.
Charles: Really?
Fiona: Used to work at Vogue. Lives in America now.

Only gets out with very glamorous people. Quite out of your league.
Charles: Well, that's a relief. Thanks.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Father Gerald: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, & the Holy Spirit, Amen. Let us pray. Father, you have made the bond of marriage a mystery. A symbol of Christ's love for his children. Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia through your son Jesus Christ our Lord who lives and wraiths with you and the Holy Ghoat. Eh *Ghost.* One God, forever and ever, Amen.

Matthew: This is his first time. He's a friend of the family.
Charles: Ahhh, Excellent!
Father Gerald: Bernard and Lydia, I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage. Bernard, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...

Bernard: I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...
Father Gerald: ...why I, Lydia...
Bernard: ...why I, Bernard...
Father Gerald: Whoop, sorry! Why I, Bernard Godfrey St. John Delainey...
Bernard: Why I, Bernard Geoffrey Sinjin

Delainey...
Father Gerald: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia John Herbert.
Bernard: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia Jane Herbert.
Father Gerald: Lydia, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...
Lydia: I do solemnly

declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...
Father Gerald: May not be Johned in matrimony...
Lydia: May not be *joined* in matrimony...
Father Gerald: to Bernard Geoffrey Siddle... Siddle Delainey.
Lydia: to Bernard Geoffrey *Sinjin* Delainey.
Father

Gerald: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard... Delainey...
Bernard: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard Delainey...
Father Gerald: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my awful wedded wife.
Bernard: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my *lawful*

wedded wife.
Father Gerald: *That's right*... *That's right*. May Almighty God bless you all in the name of the Father, the Son, & the Holy Spigot... *Spirit*.
Congregation: Amen!
Gareth: Bravo! Bravo!
[Everyone cheers]

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Charles: Do you think there really are people who can just go up and say, "Hi, babe. Name's Charles. This is your lucky night?"
Matthew: Well, if there are, they're not English.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Gareth: I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.
Charles: Uh-huh.
Gareth: Totally. I mean they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. That's it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the

deadlock.
Charles: Which is?
Gareth: He'll ask her to marry him.
Charles: Brilliant! Brilliant!
Gareth: Suddenly they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.
Charles: Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in

conversation.
Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Charles: Let me ask you one thing. Do you think - after we've dried off, after we've spent lots more time together - you might agree *not* to marry me? And do you think not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life?
Carrie: I do.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Tom: Splendid, I thought. What did you think?
Bernard: I, thought, splendid! What did you think?
Tom: Splendid, I thought.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Young Bridesmaid: What's bonking?
Scarlett: Well, it's kinda like table tennis, only with slightly smaller balls.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Charles: [thinking they're running really late] Time.
Matthew: Honestly?
Charles: Yes! Time!
Matthew: It's about ten to nine.
[Charles runs off, realises what Matthew said and returns to the car]
Charles: Bastards.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Bernard: How's it going, Lyds?
Lydia: Bloody awful.
Bernard: Oh dear, what's the problem?
Lydia: I was promised sex. Everybody said it. You'll be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex, you'll be fighting 'em off. But not so much as a tongue in sight.
Bernard: Well, I mean, if you fancy anything,

I could always...
Lydia: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Bernard. I'm not that desperate.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Carrie: Just before I go, when were you thinking of announcing the engagement?
Charles: Uhh... I'm sorry, whose engagement?
Carrie: Ours. I assumed, since we slept together, that we would be getting married. What did you think?
Charles: [looks surprised] What? I'm... gosh, you know, that's, umm... It takes a

lot of thinking, that kind of thing, I mean, uhh... Obviously, I'm...
[chuckles and relaxes]
Charles: You're joking.
[Carrie chuckles as well]
Charles: God... For a moment there, I thought I was in "Fatal Attraction". I though you were... Glenn Close, and I was gonna get home and find my pet rabbit in the stove.

Carrie: No... But I think we both missed a great opportunity here.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Carrie: First of all, l'd like to thank all of you who've flown in from the States. I'm really touched. As for the rest of you, l'd have thought that lots of frightful Americans flying in was an excuse for staying away, so I thank you, too.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Charles: Yes, it's odd, isn't it? All these years we've been single and proud of it and never noticed that two of us were, in effect, married all this time.
Tom: Traitors in our midst.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral

Charles: Why am I always at, uh, weddings, and never actually getting married, Matt?
Matthew: It's probably 'cause you're a bit scruffy. Or it could also be 'cause you haven't met the right girl.
Charles: Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe it's me.