[at second wedding]
Mrs. Beaumont: Are you married?
Fiona: No.
Mrs. Beaumont: Are you a lesbian?
Fiona: Good lord! What makes you ask that?
Mrs. Beaumont: Well, it is one of the possibilites for unmarried girls nowadays, and it's rather more interesting than saying, "Oh dear,
never met the right chap," eh?
Fiona: Quite right. Why be dull?
Mrs. Beaumont: Thank you.
[pause]
Fiona: The truth is... well, the truth is, I have met the right person, and he's not in love with me, and until I stop loving him, no one else really has a chance.
Mrs. Beaumont: Oh, what a shame.
Fiona: Yes, isn't it?
[another pause]
Fiona: I was a lesbian once at school, but only for about fifteen minutes. I don't think it counts.
Charles: Ladies and gentlemen, l'm sorry to drag you from your desserts. There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man. This is only the second time l've been a best man. I hope I did OK that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of
months ago. But l'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech. The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise, but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage. Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus. There are no
skeletons in his cupboard. Or so I thought. I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today. I know I couldn't do it and I think it's wonderful they can. So, back to Angus and those sheep.
[Charles comes running after Carrie]
Charles: Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and... , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it
slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on...
Carrie: That was very romantic.
Charles: Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.
Charles: How do you do, my name is Charles.
Old man: Don't be ridiculous, Charles died 20 years ago!
Charles: Must be a different Charles, I think.
Old man: Are you telling me I don't know my own brother!
Charles: No, no.
Tom: Oh, I don't know, Charlie. Unlike you, I never expected "the thunderbolt." I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and, um, settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that.
Charles: Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?
Fiona: The name's Carrie.
Charles: Pretty.
Fiona: American.
Charles: Interesting.
Fiona: Slut.
Charles: Really?
Fiona: Used to work at Vogue. Lives in America now.
Only gets out with very glamorous people. Quite out of your league.
Charles: Well, that's a relief. Thanks.
Father Gerald: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, & the Holy Spirit, Amen. Let us pray. Father, you have made the bond of marriage a mystery. A symbol of Christ's love for his children. Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia through your son Jesus Christ our Lord who lives and wraiths with you and the Holy Ghoat. Eh *Ghost.* One God, forever and ever, Amen.
Matthew: This is his first time. He's a friend of the family.
Charles: Ahhh, Excellent!
Father Gerald: Bernard and Lydia, I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage. Bernard, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...
Bernard: I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...
Father Gerald: ...why I, Lydia...
Bernard: ...why I, Bernard...
Father Gerald: Whoop, sorry! Why I, Bernard Godfrey St. John Delainey...
Bernard: Why I, Bernard Geoffrey Sinjin
Delainey...
Father Gerald: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia John Herbert.
Bernard: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia Jane Herbert.
Father Gerald: Lydia, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...
Lydia: I do solemnly
declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...
Father Gerald: May not be Johned in matrimony...
Lydia: May not be *joined* in matrimony...
Father Gerald: to Bernard Geoffrey Siddle... Siddle Delainey.
Lydia: to Bernard Geoffrey *Sinjin* Delainey.
Father
Gerald: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard... Delainey...
Bernard: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard Delainey...
Father Gerald: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my awful wedded wife.
Bernard: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my *lawful*
wedded wife.
Father Gerald: *That's right*... *That's right*. May Almighty God bless you all in the name of the Father, the Son, & the Holy Spigot... *Spirit*.
Congregation: Amen!
Gareth: Bravo! Bravo!
[Everyone cheers]
Gareth: I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.
Charles: Uh-huh.
Gareth: Totally. I mean they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. That's it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the
deadlock.
Charles: Which is?
Gareth: He'll ask her to marry him.
Charles: Brilliant! Brilliant!
Gareth: Suddenly they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.
Charles: Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in
conversation.
Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.
Charles: Let me ask you one thing. Do you think - after we've dried off, after we've spent lots more time together - you might agree *not* to marry me? And do you think not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life?
Carrie: I do.
Young Bridesmaid: What's bonking?
Scarlett: Well, it's kinda like table tennis, only with slightly smaller balls.
Charles: [thinking they're running really late] Time.
Matthew: Honestly?
Charles: Yes! Time!
Matthew: It's about ten to nine.
[Charles runs off, realises what Matthew said and returns to the car]
Charles: Bastards.
Bernard: How's it going, Lyds?
Lydia: Bloody awful.
Bernard: Oh dear, what's the problem?
Lydia: I was promised sex. Everybody said it. You'll be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex, you'll be fighting 'em off. But not so much as a tongue in sight.
Bernard: Well, I mean, if you fancy anything,
I could always...
Lydia: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Bernard. I'm not that desperate.
Carrie: Just before I go, when were you thinking of announcing the engagement?
Charles: Uhh... I'm sorry, whose engagement?
Carrie: Ours. I assumed, since we slept together, that we would be getting married. What did you think?
Charles: [looks surprised] What? I'm... gosh, you know, that's, umm... It takes a
lot of thinking, that kind of thing, I mean, uhh... Obviously, I'm...
[chuckles and relaxes]
Charles: You're joking.
[Carrie chuckles as well]
Charles: God... For a moment there, I thought I was in "Fatal Attraction". I though you were... Glenn Close, and I was gonna get home and find my pet rabbit in the stove.
Carrie: No... But I think we both missed a great opportunity here.
Carrie: First of all, l'd like to thank all of you who've flown in from the States. I'm really touched. As for the rest of you, l'd have thought that lots of frightful Americans flying in was an excuse for staying away, so I thank you, too.
Charles: Why am I always at, uh, weddings, and never actually getting married, Matt?
Matthew: It's probably 'cause you're a bit scruffy. Or it could also be 'cause you haven't met the right girl.
Charles: Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe it's me.