When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
