Lloyd Christmas: We got no food, we got no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!
Harry Dunne: [a large bus full of gorgeous women in bikinis pull up beside them and three step out]
Bikini Girl: Hi, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us off before each competition.
Harry Dunne: You are in luck! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll
find a couple guys there.
Bikini Girl: [baffled] Okay, thanks.
[the doors close and the bus drives off. After a second, Lloyd turns to Harry]
Lloyd Christmas: Do you realize what you've done?
[they run after the bus]
Lloyd Christmas: HEY! HEY!
Harry Dunne: Lloyd! Lloyd!
[the bus
stops and opens the doors]
Lloyd Christmas: [panting] You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow. The town is back *that* way.
Harry Dunne: She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
Harry Dunne: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd Christmas: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.
Lloyd Christmas: [addressing Mary] I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anybody.
Lloyd Christmas: [laughs nervously] Listen to me! I feel like a schoolboy again. A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.
Mary Swanson: [Mary comes into the room, making it clear to viewers that Lloyd's previous
words were just a rehearsal] I thought I heard you talking to someone.
Lloyd Christmas: [now extremely nervous] Mary... I... I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.
Lloyd Christmas: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?
Mary Swanson: How'd you guess?
Lloyd Christmas: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.
Lloyd Christmas: I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day!
Harry Dunne: No way!
Lloyd Christmas: I'll give you three to one odds.
Harry Dunne: No.
Lloyd Christmas: Five to one.
Harry Dunne: No.
Lloyd
Christmas: Ten to one?
Harry Dunne: You're on!
Lloyd Christmas: I'm gonna get ya!
Harry Dunne: Nuh uh!
Lloyd Christmas: I don't know how, but I'm gonna get ya.
Harry Dunne: What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Lloyd Christmas: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry Dunne: Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name,
which is Samsonite]
Lloyd Christmas: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
Harry Dunne: I don't get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o' clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar?
Lloyd Christmas: Yep. I'm pretty sure. Lobby bar right by the lobby.
Harry Dunne: [sighs]
Lloyd Christmas: Maybe she just had a change of heart.
Harry Dunne: Oh, that pisses me
off! That pisses me right off! I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now... Wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o' clock at night!
Lloyd Christmas: Do you think...?
Harry Dunne: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning?
Lloyd Christmas: I just figured she was a
raging alcoholic.
Lloyd Christmas: [Reaching over Joe Mantelino] You're it.
Harry Dunne: You're it.
Lloyd Christmas: You're it, quitsies!
Harry Dunne: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd Christmas: You can't do that!
Harry Dunne: Can too!
Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, stamp it!
Harry Dunne: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!
Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.
Harry Dunne: No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!
Lloyd
Christmas: [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Harry Dunne: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!
Joe Mentalino: GUYS! ENOUGH!
Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?
Elderly Lady: Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.
Lloyd Christmas: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
Elderly Lady: Of course.
Lloyd Christmas: Thanks. Hey, I guess
they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me.
Harry Dunne: So you got fired again, eh?
Lloyd Christmas: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
Harry Dunne: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd Christmas: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry Dunne: No, none taken. You know
what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
Lloyd Christmas: Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.