Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.
We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!
My goal is to leave this planet with the biggest carbon footprint I can possibly leave.
What firefighters and people in our military and cops do is separate from what the rest of us do; basically these people say, 'I'm going to protect all these strangers.'
I went to school with Steven Wright, who was the shyest guy I knew, and one day someone suddenly told me that he was in a club doing standup comedy. I went down to his club and he was great. Another friend of mine, who was pretty much a thief by trade, was hosting the show. So I thought, 'If these guys can do it, then so can I.'
I love French stuff. Mmmm, french fries.
I basically - I don't like tattoos, unless you're a firefighter who has a tattoo that has to do with that or a military guy. That's - those are people who should have tattoos.
People saying, 'Life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.' Welcome to the club. I wanted to be the starting center-fielder for the Boston Red Sox, for chrissakes!
I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.
My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.
One thing that's great about firefighters: If they don't have the equipment they desperately need, they don't have the help, they don't care. They'll do it on their own.
Once you have a firefighter in your family, your family and the families from his crew become one big extended family.
I really like 'Batman.' Not the TV show, but the dark 'Batman.'
I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.
I did 12 years with nuns, you know. So I came out of it going, like, 'I think Jesus is all right.' The rest of it I think stinks to the high heavens.
Firefighters are some of the most selfless public servants you will ever encounter.
George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, most gifted stand-up comedian who will ever live.
Stand-up comedy and comedy in general is the ultimate form of free speech, because you get to poke holes in all the pretentious bubbles politicians and pundits and popes and pretenders try to float over our heads.
