Stuntman Mike: [as he drives] Hey, Pam, remember when I said this car was death proof? Well, that wasn't a lie. This car is 100% death proof. Only to get the benefit of it, honey, you REALLY need to be sitting in my seat.
[slams his boot to the brake and sends Pam flying face-first into the dashboard]
Lee: Did you know Kim carried a gun?
Abernathy: Yes. Now, do I approve? No. Do I know? Yes?
Kim: Look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.
Abernathy: You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns, tend to get shot more than people who don't.
Kim: And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room in my building at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped.
Lee: Don't do your laundry at midnight.
Kim: Fuck that! I wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry.
Abernathy: There are other things you can
carry other than a gun. Pepper spray.
Kim: Uh, motherfucker tryna rape me? I don't wanna give him skin rash! I wanna shut that nigga down!
Abernathy: How about a knife at least?
Kim: Yeah, you know what happens to motherfuckers carry knives? They get shot! Look, if I ever become a famous actress, I wont carry a gun. I'll hire
me a do-dirt nigga, and he'll carry the gun. And when shit goes down, I'll sit back and laugh, but until that day, it's Wild West motherfucker!
Jungle Julia: Sorry, it was a one-time only offer and she did it earlier this evening at Anton's.
Stuntman Mike: No, she didn't.
Arlene: How do you know?
Stuntman Mike: I'm good that way. And you look a little touchéd.
Arlene: What's touchéd?
Stuntman Mike:
Wounded, slightly.
Arlene: Why should I be wounded?
Stuntman Mike: Because you expected guys to be pestering you all night, but from your look I can tell nobody pestered you at all. That kind of hurt your feelings a little bit, didn't it? There are few things as fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel.
Arlene: [Arlene
smiles] Hmm.
Stuntman Mike: [slowly] So, how about that lap dance?
Arlene: I think I'm going to have to give you a rain check.
Stuntman Mike: Well, since you'll be leaving in the next couple of days, that rain check will be worthless. But that's okay. I understand if I make you uncomfortable. You're still a nice girl, and I
still like you. But I must warn you of something -- you know how people say...
Stuntman Mike: [does an exaggerated Kurt Russell voice-impression] You're okay in my book, or In my book, that's no good?
Stuntman Mike: [goes back to his regular voice] Well, I actually HAVE a book.
Stuntman Mike: [he pulls out a little book from
his back pocket] And everybody I ever meet goes in this book. And, now I've met you, YOU'RE going in the book! Except, I'm afraid I must file you... under... chicken shit.
[shows the open book to her]
Arlene: [grabbing the book from him] And what if I did it?
Stuntman Mike: Well, I definitely couldn't file you under chicken shit then, now
could I?
Arlene: What's your name again?
Stuntman Mike: [softly] Stuntman Mike.
Arlene: Well, Stuntman Mike, I'm Butterfly. My friend Jungle Julia over here says that jukebox inside is pretty impressive.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah, it is.
Arlene: Yeah.
Arlene:
[she hands Stuntman Mike his book back] Why don't you get ready for your lapdance?
Stuntman Mike: [handing Arlene and Jungle Julia beers] Cheers, Butterfly. The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. And I have promises to keep. Miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me, Butterfly? Miles to go, before you sleep.
Jungle Julia: Sorry, Stuntman Burt...
Stuntman Mike: [angrily interrupting her] Mike.
Jungle
Julia: Mike. She already broke off that dance.
Stuntman Mike: Is that true? Did I... miss my chance?
[Arlene doesn't respond]
Stuntman Mike: Do I frighten you?
[Arlene silently nods]
Stuntman Mike: Is it my scar?
Arlene: It's your car.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah,
I know. Sorry, it's my mom's car.
Arlene: Have you been following us?
Stuntman Mike: No, but that's what I love about Austin - it's just so damn small.
Jungle Julia: [to Arlene] You seen this guy before?
Arlene: I saw him outside of Gueros.
Stuntman Mike: I saw you outside of
Gueros, too. You saw my car, I saw your legs. Now look, I ain't stalking you all, but I didn't say that I wasn't a wolf.
Arlene: So you really weren't following us?
Stuntman Mike: I'm not following you, Butterfly. I just... got lucky. So, how about that lap dance?
Kim: [while riding through a field full of cows] Moo, motherfucker, moo!
Stuntman Mike: You know, a bar offers all kind of things other than alcohol.
Pam: Hmm. Really? Like what?
Stuntman Mike: Women, nacho grande platters, the fellowships of fascinating individuals like Warren here. Alcohol is just a lubricant for all the individual encounters that a bar offers.
Kim: [a high-speed car chase. Kim is ramming her car into Stuntman Mike's car, directly in front of her.] Oh, you know I can't let you go without tapping that ass... one...
Abernathy: Kim?
Kim: ...more...
Zoë: Uhmm, Kim?
Kim: ...TIME!
[both cars smash right through a dead-end
guard rail and into a busy freeway.]
Zoë: If he lets us take it out on our own, I want to play ship's mast.
Kim: Oh HELL no! There ain't no way I'm doing ship's mast.
Zoë: For Christ Sake's, Kim...
Kim: Don't blaspheme!
Zoë: Sorry...
Kim: Now, what did you say after the last time?
Zoë: I know what I said.
Kim: What did you say?
Zoë: I know I said we shouldn't do this again.
Kim: No, you didn't say we shouldn't, you said we ain't EVER gonna do that again!
Zoë: Yeah, but...
Kim: But my ass! You said, not only are we never gonna play
ship's mast again, but you also said, if you ever do what you're trying to do now, to not only refuse, but that I had permission to physically restrain your ass if necessary. Now, did you or did you not say that?
Zoë: Well...
Kim: No, no no no, answer the question mother fucker, did you or did you not say that?
Zoë: Yes, I
said that, however...
Kim: Whatever with your however.
Zoë: I know I said it, and I know I meant it.
Kim: Damn skippy you meant it!
Zoë: But when I said it, I didn't mean in America.
Kim: Oh, nigga please!
Zoë: Really, I meant we should never play
ship's mast again in New Zealand or in Australia.
Kim: You are such a liar!
Zoë: Look, I know what I said when I said it. But when I said it, I didn't know I'd ever come to America. And when I said it, if had I known that I was gonna come to America and have the chance to play ship's mast on a fucking Vanishing Point Challenger, I would have added a
however. Right?
Kim: Okay, oddly enough, I actually understood that, however, just because you've talked yourself into some stupid shit, doesn't mean I'm out of my Goddamned mind. You need two people to play ship's mast, and I ain't playing.
Jungle Julia: [to Arlene] I think you got Mike laid tonight.
[the two of them laugh]
Jungle Julia: [to Stuntman Mike] Looking good, Cannonball Run!
Pam: He's just giving me a ride.
Jungle Julia: Oh, no doubt.
Arlene: [waves to them] Have a nice ride.
[they go back to
laughing]
Pam: Look, double-fucks...
[she approaches them]
Pam: ...I am not gonna fuck him!
Stuntman Mike: [as he lights a cigarette] I can hear you!
[Jungle Julia and Arlene laugh and Pam approaches even closer]
Pam: He's old enough to be my da...
Stuntman Mike: I
can still hear you!
[the girls go back to laughing]
Pam: Bye!
Earl McGraw: [regarding Stuntman Mike's impunity] I'm gonna' tell you like The LORD told John: If he ever does it again, I can be goddamn sure he don't ever do it again in Texas.
[superfast cut to title card reading, "Lebanon... Tennessee... 14 Months Later" - title card cuts to Stuntman Mike, alive and well, driving a black 1969 Charger; "death-proofed," no doubt]
Pam: So what's your name, icy?
Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Mike.
Pam: Stuntman Mike's your name.
Stuntman Mike: You ask anybody.
Pam: Hey Warren. Who is this guy?
Warren the Bartender: Stuntman Mike.
Pam: And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?
Warren the Bartender: He's a stuntman.