Deadpool: And you are?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage... what the shit? That's the coolest name ever!
Deadpool: And you are?
Deadpool: From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... me! Deadpool.
Colossus: You will come talk with Professor Xavier.
Deadpool: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines can get so confusing.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
Deadpool: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.
Colossus: [voice from inside the mansion] Wade, is that you?
Deadpool: Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
Wade Wilson: I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it.
[Lies down in bed beside Vanessa]
Wade Wilson: They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
Wade Wilson: Do you like what you see?
Weasel: No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
Wade Wilson: And the only guy the who fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone. Poof!
Weasel: Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this because as of now, you only have one course of action.
Wade Wilson: Damn straight. Find Francis.
Weasel: Star in horror
Wade Wilson: What?
Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
Deadpool: [to the audience in the after credits scene] You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go.
Credits: The making and authorized distribution of this film supported over 13,000 jobs and
involved hundreds of thousands of work hours.
Deadpool: Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. In the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet but it could be anybody. We just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range,
who knows? Anyway, big secret, ssshhhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. Chicka-chickahhhh.
Deadpool: [to the audience] I know right? You're probably thinking, "Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie"? I can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with "Polverine."
[In an Australian accent]
Deadpool: And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.
[from leaked test footage]
Deadpool: Crime's the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!
Deadpool: [to the audience while slicing off his own arm] Did you ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
Deadpool: [to Angel Dust] You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him.
Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...
[Colossus charges at Angel... who decks him and sends him flying]
Deadpool: I mean, that's why I brought her?
[points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is busy
on her phone]
Deadpool: Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... Just give us a second. Yeah. There you go. Hashtag it. Go get her, tiger.
[Negasonic Teenage Warhead attacks Angel Dust with a fiery explosion]
Deadpool: Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.
Deadpool: You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right... I gotta take you
back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
Wade Wilson: Here's what I'm actually gonna do? I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, and then put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain hole.
Weasel: I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think your dead, right?
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: That's good. You should keep it that way.
Wade Wilson: What, like, wear a mask?
Weasel: Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I am sorry... you are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Wade Wilson: Like a testicle with teeth.
Weasel: You will die alone. I mean, if you
could die. Ideally, for others' sake.
[Thugs surround the SUV that Deadpool attacked. A window opens...]
Deadpool: [raises his hands] Wait! You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed.
[points at a thug on the left]
Deadpool: This guy's got the right idea. he wore the brown pants.
Deadpool: [waving his broken wrists] All dinosaurs feared the T-Rex!
[from leaked test footage]
Deadpool: There's no easy way to say this... I'm pregnant, Trevor!
Blind Al: I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.
Deadpool: What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.
Blind Al: Looks aren't everything.
Deadpool: Looks ARE everything! Ever
heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?
Blind Al: Love is blind, Wade.
Deadpool: No. You're blind.
Blind Al: So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
Deadpool: No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through
puberty, and then I'll come up with a whole new Christmas day plan.
Vanessa Carlysle: So, am I suppose to just smile and wave you out the door?
Wade Wilson: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death. God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
Vanessa Carlysle: Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. Drink.
Wade Wilson: You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All the things I can live without.
Recruiter: What if I told you we can cure your cancer? And what's more, give you abilities most mean only dream of?
Wade Wilson: I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. More Shake Weight-y.
[after shooting three people in the head with one bullet, inhales the smoke from his own guns]
Deadpool: Ahhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.