Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: What do you think of the President?
Victoria Winters: Never met him.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: What do you think of the war?
Victoria Winters: I don't watch television.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Do you think the sexes should be equal?
Victoria Winters: Heavens, no. Men would become quite unmanageable.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: I think we're going to get along fine.
Angelique Bouchard: [wanting Barnabas to love her] What if I made you?
Barnabas Collins: With what, a spell? A little doll with pins? That is not love!
Angelique Bouchard: With THIS!
[starts to strip]
Barnabas Collins: Oh.
Angelique Bouchard: With the body you once begged me for!
Barnabas Collins: I must admit, those have not aged a day...
Carolyn Stoddard: I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you.
Barnabas Collins: Do not fear, my child. I simply seek advice on the art of courting a woman of this time... Land. And who better to tutor me than a woman of your age? What is your age, if I may?
Carolyn Stoddard: Fifteen.
Barnabas Collins:
Fifteen and no husband. You must put those birthing hips to good use at once lest your womb shrivel up and die.
Carolyn Stoddard: You're weird.
Barnabas Collins: But do you think me too weird for a woman of this... land?
Carolyn Stoddard: You obviously mean Vicky.
Barnabas Collins: She has the most
fertile birthing hips I have ever laid eyes upon.
Carolyn Stoddard: You're way too weird.
Barnabas Collins: Do you really think so?
Carolyn Stoddard: You're all stiff, proper and old-fashioned.
Barnabas Collins: And Victoria... Is she not proper?
Carolyn Stoddard: She likes to
pretend she's rock 'n' roll. She's a Carpenters kind of chick for sure.
Barnabas Collins: Do you mean to say that she has a penchant for woodworkers?
Carolyn Stoddard: The Carpenters are musicians, stupid.
Barnabas Collins: Ah, music. Yes, I'm rather fond of the music of the day. "I am a picker, I am a grinner / I am a lover
and I am a sinner / I play my music in the sun" If only Shakespeare had been as eloquent.
Carolyn Stoddard: Okay. If you wanna get with her, you're gonna have to change your approach. Drop the whole weird Swinging London thing and hang out with a few normal people.
Carolyn Stoddard: [about the planned ball] I have to hand it to you. This is a happening. I guess the only thing missing is Alice Cooper.
Barnabas Collins: Perhaps you should go and acquaint yourself with the evening's entertainment.
[At the ball, he sees who Alice Cooper really is]
Barnabas Collins: ...ugliest woman I've ever
seen.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: What did you do to my daughter?
Angelique Bouchard: The family tree needed a little spicing up, so I sent a werewolf to bite her as a child.
[sees David]
Angelique Bouchard: Just as I sent David's mother to the bottom of the ocean, rendering him a motherless whelp!
[turns to Barnabas]
Angelique Bouchard: And as for you... I killed your parents, and every one of your lovers. They kept us apart.
Barnabas Collins: [holds a fork] I see you have been driven to even sell the prized family silverware.
Roger Collins: How can you tell? Those are exact replicas.
Barnabas Collins: Had this been silver, I would have burst into flame at the slightest touch.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Yes, you mentioned that you
had a terrible silver allergy.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Children, get away from that man!
David Collins: He said his name was Barnabas Collins.
Carolyn Stoddard: And I'm pretty sure he called me a hooker.
Barnabas Collins: I've spoken of my feelings to not a soul.
Victoria Winters: Yeah, you spoke only of my birthing hips.
Barnabas Collins: [awkward] Yes...
[fighting]
Angelique Bouchard: I worshipped you!
Barnabas Collins: You plagued me!
Angelique Bouchard: I adore you!
Barnabas Collins: I despise you!
[Angelique has Barnabas chained up and put inside a coffin, then takes off her underpants and puts them over his face. 20 minutes later, David finds him]
David Collins: Uncle Barnabas, why do you have ladies' underwear on your face?
Barnabas Collins: Never mind that!
[Barnabas stares at a lava lamp]
Barnabas Collins: What is that thing?
Dr. Julia Hoffman: It's a lamp.
Barnabas Collins: It looks like a pulsating blood urn!
Barnabas Collins: [enters Dr Hoffman's laboratory] We must intensify our efforts! I have an urgent need to be human again!
[stops short as he sees Julia injecting herself with blood]
Dr. Julia Hoffman: I can explain...
Barnabas Collins: My God! You're not using your blood to make me human. You're using my blood to make
yourself immortal!
Dr. Julia Hoffman: Barnabas, you have a gift. You better get a hold over yourself...
Barnabas Collins: The Collins family took you in and bestowed their sacred trust upon you, and you brazenly betray that trust?
Dr. Julia Hoffman: I'm sorry. I just didn't want to grow old. I want to be beautiful, and I want
to live forever like you.
Barnabas Collins: I am afraid that is out of the question!