Constantine
Constantine

John Constantine: Detective. What if I told you that God and the devil made a wager, a kind of standing bet for the souls of all mankind?
Angela Dodson: I'd tell you to stay on your meds.
John Constantine: Humor me. No direct contact with humans. That would be the rule. Just influence. See who would win.
Angela

Dodson: Okay, I'm humoring you. Why?
John Constantine: Who knows. Maybe just for the fun of it. No telling.
Angela Dodson: Oh, so it's fun? It's fun when a man beats his wife to death? It's fun when a mother drowns her own baby? And you think the devil is responsible? People are evil, Mr. Constantine. People.
John

Constantine: You're right. We're born capable of terrible things, but then sometimes something else comes along and gives us just the right nudge.
Angela Dodson: Well, this has been real educational, but... I don't believe in the devil.
John Constantine: You should. He believes in you.

Constantine
Constantine

Angela Dodson: I guess God has a plan for all of us.
John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything.

Constantine
Constantine

Angela Dodson: [after taking off her jacket] So, do I have to take the rest of my clothes off or can I leave them on?
[pause]
Angela Dodson: John?
John Constantine: I'm thinking...

Constantine
Constantine

[last lines]
John Constantine: [voiceover] I guess there's a plan for all of us. I had to die - twice - just to figure that out. Like the book says, He works His work in mysterious ways. Some people like it. Some people don't.

Constantine
Constantine

John Constantine: [speaking to God] I know I'm not one of your favorites. I'm not even welcome in your house. But, I could use a little attention.

Constantine
Constantine

John Constantine: They have the Spear of Destiny.
Satan: [mocking him] "They have the Spear of Destiny!"
[becomes serious, leans in]
Satan: Or is it another one of your cons?
John Constantine: Go look for yourself.
[Satan hesitates]
John Constantine: You've waited twenty

years for me, Lu. What's another twenty seconds?

Constantine
Constantine

[after Gabriel has been transformed into a human]
Gabriel: [eagerly] Do you want revenge? Is that what you're thinking right now? Do it.
[hands Constantine's Holy Shotgun to him]
Gabriel: Do it. Seek revenge. End my life. Go on. Be the hand of God.
Gabriel: It's your choice. It's always been your choice.

John Constantine: Yeah.
[punches Gabriel across the mouth, he bows over, looking shocked]
John Constantine: That's called pain. Get used to it.

Constantine
Constantine

John Constantine: So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry ass straight back to hell. I don't get them all, but I've been hoping to get enough to ensure my... retirement.
Angela Dodson: I don't understand.
John Constantine: I'm a suicide, Angela. When I die, the rules say I've got just one place to go...

Angela Dodson: You're trying to buy your way into heaven.
John Constantine: What would *you* do if you were sentenced to a prison where half the inmates were put there by you?

Constantine
Constantine

Gabriel: You are going to die young because you smoked 30 cigarettes a day since you were 15... and you're going to go to hell because of the life you took.
[pause, leans in]
Gabriel: You're fucked.

Constantine
Constantine

Angela Dodson: She was a patient at Ravenscar. She... jumped off the roof.
John Constantine: Thought you said she was murdered?
Angela Dodson: Yeah, well, Isabel wouldn't have taken her own life.
John Constantine: Yeah, what kind of mental patient kills herself? That's just crazy.

Constantine
Constantine

Satan: Hello, John. John, hello. You're the one soul I would come up here to collect myself.
[claps giddily]
John Constantine: So I've heard.

Constantine
Constantine

John Constantine: Angels and Demons can't cross over onto our plane. So, instead we get what I call half-breeds. The influence peddlers. They can only whisper in our ears. But a single word can give you courage, or turn your favorite pleasure into your worst nightmare. Those with the demon's touch like those part angel, living alongside us. They call it the balance. I call it

hypocritical bullshit.

Constantine
Constantine

Gabriel: Son of perdition. Little horn! Most unclean!
Satan: [nostalgic] I do miss the old names.

Constantine
Constantine

Satan: Sonny, I've got a whole theme park full of red delights for you.
John Constantine: Aren't you a peach?

Constantine
Constantine

Balthazar: What are you doing?
John Constantine: I'm reading you your last rites.
Balthazar: Spare me your remedial incantations.
John Constantine: You do know what it is to truly be forgiven? To be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. Demon in heaven.
[anoints Balthazar's brow with holy water]

John Constantine: I'd love to be a fly on that wall.
Balthazar: You're not a priest. You have no power.
John Constantine: Just tell me how Mammon is crossing over and you can go back to your shithole.
[no response]
John Constantine: Okay, Bally, enjoy it.
[begins reading from the Bible]

John Constantine: In nomine Patri, et Fili, et Spiritus Sancti. May God have mercy on you, and grant you the pardon of all your sins. Whosesoever sins you remit on Earth, they are remitted unto them in Heaven.
[Balthazar squirms]
John Constantine: How's he doing it?
Balthazar: No... I can't.
John

Constantine: [louder] Grant your child entry into thy kingdom! In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit! Ame-!
Balthazar: [shouts] Sangre de Dio! The blood of God.
John Constantine: He found it.
Balthazar: Whatever killed the Son of God will give birth to the Son of the Devil.
John

Constantine: [closes the Bible] By the way... you have to *ask* for absolution to be forgiven... asshole.

Constantine
Constantine

John Constantine: You mind?
[reaches for cigarettes]
Satan: Oh, go - go right ahead; I've got stock.
John Constantine: [chuckles] Coffin nail.
Satan: Very fitting, John.

Constantine
Constantine

Gabriel: I will smite thee, in His honour.
[He throws a punch at Lucifer, but his fist stops short, to his surprise]
Satan: Looks like somebody doesn't have your back any more.

Constantine
Constantine

Chas Kramer: John, why would you do that if you know it's not my car?
John Constantine: I told you to move it.
Chas Kramer: Right, John, you did tell me to move it, but if you would have told me there was a three hundred pound mirror you were dropping with a pissed-off demon, I would have moved it further, John!

Constantine
Constantine

John Constantine: Officially, I was dead for two minutes... but when you cross over, time stops. Take it from me, two minutes in hell is a lifetime.

Constantine
Constantine

John Constantine: Word is that kid of yours is a chip off the old block.
Satan: Well, one does what one can.
John Constantine: He's in the other room.
Satan: Boys will be boys.
John Constantine: With Gabriel.
Satan: [looking disgusted] No accounting for taste,

really.