Angela Dodson: I guess God has a plan for all of us.
John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything.
John Constantine: [speaking to God] I know I'm not one of your favorites. I'm not even welcome in your house. But, I could use a little attention.
John Constantine: They have the Spear of Destiny.
Satan: [mocking him] "They have the Spear of Destiny!"
[becomes serious, leans in]
Satan: Or is it another one of your cons?
John Constantine: Go look for yourself.
[Satan hesitates]
John Constantine: You've waited twenty
years for me, Lu. What's another twenty seconds?
[after Gabriel has been transformed into a human]
Gabriel: [eagerly] Do you want revenge? Is that what you're thinking right now? Do it.
[hands Constantine's Holy Shotgun to him]
Gabriel: Do it. Seek revenge. End my life. Go on. Be the hand of God.
Gabriel: It's your choice. It's always been your choice.
John Constantine: Yeah.
[punches Gabriel across the mouth, he bows over, looking shocked]
John Constantine: That's called pain. Get used to it.
John Constantine: So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry ass straight back to hell. I don't get them all, but I've been hoping to get enough to ensure my... retirement.
Angela Dodson: I don't understand.
John Constantine: I'm a suicide, Angela. When I die, the rules say I've got just one place to go...
Angela Dodson: You're trying to buy your way into heaven.
John Constantine: What would *you* do if you were sentenced to a prison where half the inmates were put there by you?
Angela Dodson: She was a patient at Ravenscar. She... jumped off the roof.
John Constantine: Thought you said she was murdered?
Angela Dodson: Yeah, well, Isabel wouldn't have taken her own life.
John Constantine: Yeah, what kind of mental patient kills herself? That's just crazy.
John Constantine: Angels and Demons can't cross over onto our plane. So, instead we get what I call half-breeds. The influence peddlers. They can only whisper in our ears. But a single word can give you courage, or turn your favorite pleasure into your worst nightmare. Those with the demon's touch like those part angel, living alongside us. They call it the balance. I call it
hypocritical bullshit.
Balthazar: What are you doing?
John Constantine: I'm reading you your last rites.
Balthazar: Spare me your remedial incantations.
John Constantine: You do know what it is to truly be forgiven? To be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. Demon in heaven.
[anoints Balthazar's brow with holy water]
John Constantine: I'd love to be a fly on that wall.
Balthazar: You're not a priest. You have no power.
John Constantine: Just tell me how Mammon is crossing over and you can go back to your shithole.
[no response]
John Constantine: Okay, Bally, enjoy it.
[begins reading from the Bible]
John Constantine: In nomine Patri, et Fili, et Spiritus Sancti. May God have mercy on you, and grant you the pardon of all your sins. Whosesoever sins you remit on Earth, they are remitted unto them in Heaven.
[Balthazar squirms]
John Constantine: How's he doing it?
Balthazar: No... I can't.
John
Constantine: [louder] Grant your child entry into thy kingdom! In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit! Ame-!
Balthazar: [shouts] Sangre de Dio! The blood of God.
John Constantine: He found it.
Balthazar: Whatever killed the Son of God will give birth to the Son of the Devil.
John
Constantine: [closes the Bible] By the way... you have to *ask* for absolution to be forgiven... asshole.
Chas Kramer: John, why would you do that if you know it's not my car?
John Constantine: I told you to move it.
Chas Kramer: Right, John, you did tell me to move it, but if you would have told me there was a three hundred pound mirror you were dropping with a pissed-off demon, I would have moved it further, John!
John Constantine: Word is that kid of yours is a chip off the old block.
Satan: Well, one does what one can.
John Constantine: He's in the other room.
Satan: Boys will be boys.
John Constantine: With Gabriel.
Satan: [looking disgusted] No accounting for taste,
really.