Waiter: Malkovich?
John Malkovich: MALKOVICH!
Waiter: Malkovich.
Guy in Restaurant: 'Scuse me.
John Malkovich: Mm-hmm?
Guy in Restaurant: Are you John Malkovich?
John Malkovich: Yes, I am.
Guy in Restaurant: Wow! You're really, uh, great in that movie...
John Malkovich: Oh?
Guy in Restaurant: ...where
you play that retard.
John Malkovich: Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
Guy in Restaurant: I have a cousin... who's a retard.
John Malkovich: Oh, thank you.
Guy in Restaurant: Yeah. So, um... as you might imagine, it... means a lot to me to see... retards... portrayed, uh, on the silver screen so
compassionately.
John Malkovich: Well, thank you very much, I appreciate it.
Lotte Schwartz: I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's... feminine side. I like that.
Craig Schwartz: There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.
Maxine: Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Craig
Schwartz: Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century.
Maxine: Oh yeah? What's he been in?
Craig Schwartz: Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is... this is a very odd thing. It's supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts
of philosophical-type questions, you know... about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don't have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich's head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't see how I could go on
living my life the way I've lived it before.
[Maxine gestures toward a 7.5 story high window]
John Malkovich: That portal is mine and it must be sealed forever - for the love of God.
Craig Schwartz: Mr. Malkovich, sir, with all due respect, I discovered that portal. I mean, it's my livelihood. You understand?
John Malkovich: It's my head, Schwartz. It's my head! I will see you in court!
[Malkovich trudges off along the
shoulder of the turnpike]
Craig Schwartz: [calling after him] What makes you think I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?
Floris: Welcome to Lestercorp. How may we meet your filing needs?
Craig Schwartz: No, no. Um... my name's Craig Schwartz. I have an interview with Dr. Lester.
Floris: Oh. Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez.
Craig Schwartz: Schwartz.
Floris: Pardon?
Craig Schwartz:
Schwartz.
Floris: I- I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're saying to me right now.
Craig Schwartz: My name is Schwartz.
Floris: "My name is Warts"?
[Craig takes a seat]
Floris: [intercom beeps] Mr. Juarez?
[Craig doesn't respond at first]
Craig Schwartz: Oh. Yes?
Floris: Chest?
Craig Schwartz: I said, "Yes?"
Floris: You suggest what? I'm sorry I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants. Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now.
[last lines]
Craig Schwartz: [voiceover] Maxine. Maxine, I love you, Maxine. Oh, look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away.
John Malkovich: I have seen a world that NO man should see!
Craig Schwartz: Really? Because for most people it's a rather enjoyable experience.
John Malkovich: The weird thing is, this Maxine likes to call me "Lotte".
Charlie: Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
John Malkovich: What are you talking about, "Done with her", man? Tonight really freaked me out!