Austin Powers: Allow myself to introduce... myself.
Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce!
Number Two: Prince Charles *did* have an affair. He
admitted it, and they are now divorced.
Dr. Evil: Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info.
[pause]
Dr. Evil: Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a
sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.
Number Two: [pause] That also already has happened.
[in
original pressings, Number Two said "That also has already been done."]
Dr. Evil: Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's
the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Number Two: Don't you think we should ask for *more* than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year!
Dr. Evil: Really? That's a lot of money.
[pause]
Dr.
Evil: Okay then, we hold the world ransom for...
Dr. Evil: One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS!
Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Number Two: Sea Bass.
Dr. Evil:
[pause] Right.
Number Two: They're mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Are they ill tempered?
Number Two: Absolutely.
Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.
Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers
Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over!
Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin... we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!
[returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him]
Quartermaster Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.
Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby, that's
not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Quartermaster Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.
Vanessa Kensington: Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about that Italian secretary. You know, Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.
Austin Powers: No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I
shagged her.
Vanessa Kensington: What?
Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Vanessa Kensington: I don't believe you, Austin! I mean, she was repellant.
Austin Powers: Saucer of milk, table 2. Meow.
Vanessa Kensington: Well, did you use protection?
Austin Powers: Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.
Vanessa Kensington: You know I meant 'did you use a condom'?
Austin Powers: No. Only sailors use condoms, baby.
Vanessa Kensington: Not in the 90's, Austin.
Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy beggars. They go from port to
port.
Scott Evil: It's no hassle...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: All I'm say...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: There gonna get a...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm just...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: Would...
Dr. Evil: Sh!... Knock-knock.
Scott Evil: Who's there?
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But...
Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.
Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatize you to the nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967.
Austin Powers: No doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be
sound as a pound!
Casino Dealer: 17.
Number Two: Hit me.
Casino Dealer: You have 17, sir.
Number Two: I like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: [Hit for four] :21. Very good, sir.
[to Austin]
Casino Dealer: :5.
Austin Powers: I'll stay.
Casino Dealer: I suggest you hit, sir.
Austin Powers: I also like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: 20 beat your 5 sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Austin Powers: Well I must admit, cards aren't my bag, baby.
Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.
Dr. Evil: All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
[guard starts dipping mechanism]
Dr. Evil: Close the tank!
Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!
Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying,
I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
Scott Evil: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!
Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.
[Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated]
Austin Powers: Not the time to lose one's head.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: That's not the way to get ahead in life.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
Vanessa
Kensington: Hmm.
Austin Powers: He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Vanessa Kensington: Okay, that'll do.
Austin Powers: Okay.