Chuck: After I got back, I went through a rough time. Drinkin' booze, shootin' holes in the ceilin', screamin' myself to sleep... Finally, my parents said I had to move out.
Dave Buznik: So I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt.
Chuck: Don't get cute, wise ass... But, yes.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Now then we need to go over some ground rules. You are to refrain from any any acts of violence including verbal assault and vulgar hand gestures. You may not use rage enhancing substances, such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, crack cocaine, slippy-flippy's, jelly stingers, trick sticks, bing bangs or flying willards.
Dave Buznik: How
about fiddle-faddles?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Under my supervision. Also, if you are unable to stop masturbating, please do so without the use of any pornographic images depicting quote, unquote 'angry sex.' That having been said, I'm a pretty good guy and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how much fun we can have together.
Dave Buznik: Geez, without
slippy-flippies or angry masturbating I don't see how that's possible.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin, Dave. From now on, unacceptable.
Chuck: Yeah? And I'm sure I just heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.
Dave Buznik: Are you Jewish?
Chuck: I could be, but no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican.
Dave Buznik: [singing] I feel pretty / oh, so pretty / oh, so pretty and witty and...
[pause]
Dave Buznik: gay...
Chuck: I still remember the war...
Dave Buznik: Oh, yeah?
Chuck: Yeah... Remember waking up to the sound of bombs dropping and children screaming...
Dave Buznik: Oh, you were in Vietnam?
Chuck: No... Grenada.
Dave Buznik: Didn't that, like, last only 12 hours?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in mid-air.
Stacy: Nice.
Gina: I bet you beat her good.
Dave Buznik: I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman...
Chuck: Liar, bullshitter, you're a WOMAN BEATER! And you can't admit it, because you're a deluded piece of garbage!
Dave Buznik: I don't know about all that but... now I know why you're here.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: So, Dave. Tell us about yourself. Who are you?
Dave Buznik: Well, I'm an executive assistant for a major pet products company.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: [interupts him] Dave, I don't want you to tell us what you do. I want you to tell us who you are.
Dave Buznik: Oh, alright, um... I'm a pretty good
guy. I like playing tennis on occasion.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Also, not your hobbies Dave. Just tell us who you are.
Dave Buznik: [stumped] Maybe you could give me an example of what a good answer would be? Um...
[to Lou]
Dave Buznik: What did you say?
[the group laughs]
Dr. Buddy Rydell: You
want Lou to tell you who you are?
Dave Buznik: No, I just, uh... I'm a nice, easy going man, I might be a little indecisive at times...
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave, you're describing your personality. I just want to know... who you are.
Dave Buznik: [snaps] I don't know what the hell you want me to say!
[the room falls
silent]
Dr. Buddy Rydell: In Europe, it's not considered unusual for three of four men to share a bed.
Dave Buznik: That's why I'm proud to be an American.
Lou: So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days I've taken. And I was like, you know 'Don't go there,' you know. But he kept on about wanting to see some kind of a doctor's note or something. And I said 'Look, I'm seriously serious. You *don't* want to go there. He kept talking and talking and being such a nag, and I just *blacked out.* I blacked out. And I woke up,
and I was standing over him and I was screaming "I told you not to go there! I told you not to go there!"
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Nate, didn't we decide that you shouldn't listen to the ballgame?
Nate: Don't worry, Doctor B. It's just a regular season game. Not that important. See, Iverson just missed a layup at the buzzer, Sixers lose. Who gives a crap, huh? I mean it's just a silly game anyways.
[his face scrunches up]
Nate: Ooooohhhh
the anger sharks are swimming in my head! YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT! YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Stay with me. Stay with me. Repeat after me. Goosefraba.
Nate: Gooooose... blah blah
Dr. Buddy Rydell: No, not blah blah, Nate. Goosefraba.
Stacy: We're in the adult film industry.
Gina: And we're lovers.
Stacy: Yeah. One day, Gina was having sex with this Filipino guy Milo which was totally cool cause it was in the script.
Gina: And then I asked Milo back to the house with us, which is cool cause we like a little variety...
Stacy: So in the middle of our session, I look up and I see Gina kissing Milo on the mouth which is totally NOT cool because it violates our threesome code of ethics!
Gina: So Stacy bit my toe off.
Stacy: Then Milo freaks out and calls me a crazy skank...
Gina: And nobody talks to my bitch that way.
Stacy: That's right.
Gina: So I stapled his lip shut.
Stacy: And here we are.
Dave Buznik: Well, we've all been there.
Dave Buznik: Kendra, even though I'd love to see you take that bra off because it represents a team I've hated my entire life, you gotta keep it on.
Kendra: Why?
Dave Buznik: Because I've got a girlfriend.
Kendra: [she becomes angry] I'm not a child Dave. If you think I'm a porker, then just come right out and
say it.
Dave Buznik: No no no, I don't think you're a porker.
Kendra: Well then why when the idea of sleeping with me comes up, you all of a sudden have "a girlfriend."
Dave Buznik: Because I do, I do. I do have a girlfriend.
Kendra: Said the liar to the beached whale!
Dave
Buznik: You're not a beached whale! If anything, you could even afford to gain a few pounds.
Kendra: Oh, so now I'm too skinny for you?
Dave Buznik: No, no, no, no I didn't mean that.
Kendra: Is this what you want, Dave?
[stuffs her face with brownies]
Kendra: If I put on a few pounds,
would you be able to stifle your vomit long enough to have sex with me?
Dave Buznik: Holy shit.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Might I have your first name, Mr. Head, and tell me it isn't Dick.
Frank Head: It's Frank!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Ah, Fran. Isn't that normally a girl's name?