Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.
Victoria 'Vicky': It's got to be completely perfect. I want the right time, the right moment, the right place.
Jessica: Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex.
Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.
Finch: Single malt?
Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.
MILF Guy #2: [while looking at a picture of Stifler's mom] Dude, that chick's a MILF!
MILF Guy #1: What the hell is that?
MILF Guy #2: M-I-L-F: Mom I'd Like to Fuck!
MILF Guy #1: Yeah dude! Yeah!
Chuck Sherman: Vicky, Jessica, great to see you, glad you could make it! Ha ha, Bitches.
Steve Stifler: Sherman!
Chuck Sherman: Hey!
Steve Stifler: What the fuck are you doing here?
Steve Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?
Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!
Jim's Dad: [On Condoms] Well, they're safer than a tube sock...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [On being sensitive] You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.
Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!
Jim: Michelle! Michelle.
Nadia: So uh, "shaved" is the expression?
Jim's Dad: [Jim's Dad just caught Jim masturbating into the pie his mom cooked] We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.
Jessica: No wonder you're not psyched about sex. You've never even had one manually?
Vicky: I've never tried it.
Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?
Kevin: We must make a stand, here and now. No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! We will fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid and should be. This is our day. This is our time. And, by God, we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy. Yes. We will make a stand. We will succeed. We will get laid!
Jim's Dad: [talking about masturbation] It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
Jim: Right.
Jim's Dad: It's not a game.
Jim: No.
Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball.
Michelle: Oh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.
Jim: [spits out drink] Excuse me?
Michelle: What? You don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is. Sex Ed. So, are we gonna screw soon? Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.
Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!
Chuck Sherman: I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady.
Steve Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them!
