Adventureland Quotes

Joel: What's the point of being a writer or an artist anyway? Herman Melville wrote fuckin' Moby Dick, he was so poor and forgot by the time he died that in his obituary they called him Henry Melville. You know, like why bother? They're just going to forget our fuckin' names anyway. I heard Em went back to New York.
James Brennan: I wish it didn't end like

that, I should've - I don't know.
[Beat]
James Brennan: Your Herman Melville story that - that's bullshit.
Joel: It's true, they called him Henry.
James Brennan: No, I mean, he wrote a seven-hundred page allegorical novel about the whaling industry. I think he was a pretty passionate guy, Joel. I hope they call me Henry

when I die, too.
Joel: One can only hope

Em Lewin: Was the sex good?
James Brennan: She was very sexy.
Em Lewin: You've been with a lot of girls?
James Brennan: Yep. Are we talking about intercourse specifically?
Em Lewin: [laughs] Yeah.
James Brennan: Yeah, yeah. No in that case there were actually a

few times that I could have done that. But it wasn't, it wasn't exactly right.
Em Lewin: [shocked] Wait, so you're telling me you're a virgin?
James Brennan: There were circumstances.
Em Lewin: Oh my God.
James Brennan: No! Okay, alright for example, junior year I was dating this girl Betsy Cooke. Betsy

was kind of like, she was kind of a prude actually. Anyway one day I was reading Shakespeare and I realized I don't really love this person. You know? It was one of the sonnets, "being your slave, what should I do but tend upon the hours and times of your desires?" And I realized I don't want to tend to Betsy's hours or her times. Alright that doesn't matter. Anyway, I drove to Betsy's house and I

was literally about to tell her and that's the night she said she wanted to have sex. Can you believe it? It was the same night.
Em Lewin: And you didn't just fuck her anyway?
James Brennan: Hmm? No. So what about you and intercourse?
Em Lewin: Can you stop saying intercourse?
James Brennan: Sure, sure.

Em Lewin: I don't know. There were guys in high school and then, like, there were other ones.
James Brennan: Were you in love with any of them?
Em Lewin: No. Hell no.
James Brennan: Gotcha.

[People attend the horse game. James looks at Bobby and Paulette, who nod, and then decides to exaggerate]
James Brennan: Ladies and gentlemen, put down your mint juleps. Horses are all at the starting gate. Okay, and they're off! And Red bolts out of the gate, taking an early lead! But look out! Here comes Green, issuing a challenge from the outside lane. Green runs well

on a muddy track, folks, so today's conditions might give him a slight edge. And Yellow is dead last! What a dissapointment after Yellow's strong showing at Saratoga last spring. Wait! Look out! Wait a second! Out of nowhere, Orange breaks ahead of the pack, and now, in the backstretch, Orange and Green. Orange and Green, and Orange takes it by a nose! Green places and Red shows. Please come to

the window to collect your winnings!
Adult Contestant: What window?
James Brennan: Huh?
Adult Contestant: What window? There's a window?
James Brennan: Uh, no. No, there's not. Here you go.
[gives the man his prize]
James Brennan: Congratulations, sir.
[Em stares at

him, puzzled, but also clearly entertained. James notices her, now embarrassed]
James Brennan: I'm new.

James Brennan: [after being told that Lisa P. is back] Who's Lisa P?
Joel: [Points] That's Lisa P.
[They watch her walk and turn around]
Joel: Oh my God, look at the shape of her ass. It's a platonic ideal. That ass is a higher truth. Look, look at that little portal of light, just below her crotch, right where the thigh meets

the pudendum.
James Brennan: The pudendum? Are you pre-med?
Joel: I'm telling you, man, I've had dreams about that diamond-shape portal.
[Joel stands up]
Joel: Oh shit, she's coming over here, man. Be cool.
James Brennan: Okay, I'll try to hold it together.

Em Lewin: Where are you taking me? You've been to this place before?
James Brennan: No.
Em Lewin: I think you might be the coolest and cutest guy I ever met.
James Brennan: Really?
Em Lewin: I mean, I'm really high but.
[kisses James]
Em Lewin: I don't

want to lose you.

Em Lewin: [surprised] Wow.
James Brennan: Hi. I just got off the bus. I'm a New Yorker now. I guess I should probably buy an umbrella.
Em Lewin: I don't think I can see you.
James Brennan: What?
Em Lewin: This summer was rough. I did things that I really, really regret.

James Brennan: Yeah, me too. I'm sorry I told Lisa P. about you and Connell. She told the rest of the world, but I'm not gonna lie. I was really angry at you but you didn't deserve that.
Em Lewin: You know, James, I am so sorry for fucking this up. You were the only good thing that happened this summer.
[starts to walk away]
James

Brennan: Wait, Em! I think I maybe see you a little differently than you see yourself. Yes I see the person who fucked up, but I also see the person who saved me from being knifed over a giant-ass panda, who introduced me to psychotropic chocolate-chip cookies, who stood up for Joel, and who doesn't make apologies for herself. Look, my theory is you can't just avoid everybody you screw up

with. And you should trust me, I'm a New Yorker.

James Brennan: Frigo, get the fuck out of here, and you can't tell anybody about this, okay?
Tommy Frigo: All right, all right, relax, Brennan. What's it worth to you?
James Brennan: You're shaking me down?
Tommy Frigo: No... Yeah, yeah.
James Brennan: I hate you with such great fervor.

James Brennan: Hi. Look, I don't know what to say, but everyone is talking about Em and Connell.
Lisa P.: Kelly's got such a big F-ing mouth. I'm sorry because I gave you my word. We were just so wasted that night. You know I can't hide nothing from Kell. Are you mad at me?
James Brennan: Well, yeah. Connell's gonna freak out, and Em

quit.
Lisa P.: I feel bad for Connell. I have a hard time feeling sorry for Em. Guys can't help themselves.
James Brennan: But he's the married one.
Lisa P.: Yeah, Em's a frigging home wrecker.
James Brennan: He's cheating on his wife, though.
Lisa P.: I can't believe you're

defending her.
James Brennan: What? Because guys can be shitty and women can't?

Guest: I love what you've done with the house.
Francy: Thank you.
Mr. Lewin: It's clean.
Em Lewin: I thought the house was a lot nicer the way my mum used to have it, it's pretty barfirific if you ask me.
Francy: Is that some kind of joke Emily?
Em Lewin: No, it's not.

Francy: I think you own me an apology right now.
Em Lewin: I don't owe you shit.