Warren Schmidt: Relatively soon, I will die. Maybe in 20 years, maybe tomorrow, it doesn't matter. Once I am dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it will be as though I never existed. What difference has my life made to anyone. None that I can think of. None at all.
Warren Schmidt: I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me?
Warren Schmidt: Well Ndugu, I'll close now. You probably can't wait to run and cash this check and get yourself something to eat.
Jeannie Schmidt: All of a sudden you're taking an interest in what I do? You have an opinion about my life *now*? Okay, you listen to me. I am getting married the day after tomorrow and you are going to come to my wedding and you are going to sit there and enjoy it and support me or else you can just turn right around right now and go back to Omaha.
Roberta Hertzel: People used to think it was strange 'cause I breast-fed him 'til he was almost five, but I say - hunh, just look at the results!
[repeated line]
Warren Schmidt: Dear Ndugu...
Helen Schmidt: [her last words to Warren Schmidt] Don't dilly-dally.
Warren Schmidt: You're not gonna believe this. We had a tire swing over there.
Warren Schmidt: [On top of Winnebago at night talking to his dead wife] Helen, what did you really think of me deep in your heart? Was I really the man you wanted to be with? Was I? Or were you disappointed but too nice to show it?
Warren Schmidt: You've got to appreciate what you have while you still have it.
Warren Schmidt: You can't marry him. I mean... Look at these people!
Warren Schmidt: I'd like a blizzard with vanilla ice cream.
Dairy Queen Employee: Ok. What would you like on it?
Warren Schmidt: Uhh... I'll have the Reese's Pieces... and some cookie dough.
Dairy Queen Employee: And what size?
Warren Schmidt: ...medium.
Larry Hertzel: All I was doing was welcoming somebody into the family.
Roberta Hertzel: Larry, we've been welcomed by you, thank you so much, now would you please just drink your fucking milk and shut the fuck up.
Warren Schmidt: I am *begging* you not to marry Randall. This guy is not up to snuff. He's not in your league. I can't let this happen, I will not allow it. I mean, look at these people!
Jeannie Schmidt: All of a sudden you're taking an interest in what I do? You have an opinion about my life, now?
