Christine: You will end up childless and alone.
Will: Well, fingers crossed, yeah.
Marcus: I wanna be with her more, I wanna be with her all the time, and I wanna tell her things I don't even tell you or mum. And I don't want her to have another boyfriend. I suppose if I could have all those things, I wouldn't really mind if I touched her or not.
Marcus: Suddenly I realized - two people isn't enough. You need backup. If you're only two people, and someone drops off the edge, then you're on your own. Two isn't a large enough number. You need three at least.
Will: Once you open your door to one person anyone can come in.
Fiona: He's expressing himself!
Will: No, he's not! He's expressing YOU!
Will: Me, I didn't mean anything. About anything, to anyone. And I knew that guaranteed me a long, depression-free life.
[singing "Killing me Softly"]
Will: And there I was killing them softly with my song. Or rather being killed. And not so softly either.
[Fiona is crying]
Fiona: Will, am I a bad mother?
Will: No. No, you're not a bad mother. You're just a barking lunatic.
Will: It was terrible! Terrible! But driving really fast behind the ambulance was fantastic!
Marcus: I used to want Will to marry my mom.
Ali: You serious?
Marcus: Yeah, but that was when she was depressed and I was desperate.
Will: Thanks, mate.
[Fiona is crying]
Fiona: I mean, he's a special - very, very special boy and he's got a special soul, and I've wounded it.
Will: Oh, please, just shut up. You're wounding my soul.
Christine: Oh, no... it's just I thought you had hidden depths.
Will: No, no, you've always had that wrong about me. I really am this shallow.
Will: [voiceover] Having been Will the Good Guy, I didn't relish going back to my usual role of Will the Unreliable, Emotionally Stunted Asshole.
Will: I am an island. I am bloody Ibiza!
Will: [voiceover] She couldn't stay at my place, and she didn't have a DVD, or satellite, or cable, so we were always stuck watching some crap made for t.v. movie about a kid with leukemia. I had to end it.
[Regarding the first SPAT meeting]
Will: I'll tell you one thing. Men are bastards. After about ten minutes I wanted to cut my *own* penis off with a kitchen knife.
