George Stark: You're late!
Albert: For what?
George Stark: Fair enough.
Anna: You're a good sheep farmer!
Albert: Oh my god, please! I suck at sheep. Louise was right, I can't keep track of them. There was a sheep in the whorehouse the last week.
Anna: Really?
Albert: Yeah. Wandered in there, and then when I went to pick it up, somehow it had made 20 dollars.
[from trailer]
Edward: This is my first vagina.
Ruth: You've never seen one?
Edward: No. I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something.
[pause while character lifts up skirt]
Edward: It's, uhh, it's, it's that, right?
Ruth: Oh yeah, it's this, it's like from here
to here.
Edward: Oh.
Ruth: But this is just the outside, there's these folds.
Edward: Okay, I'm gonna close the bible now.
Louise: You're not even a good sheep farmer, Albert. Your sheep are everywhere. The one thing a sheep farmer has to do is keep all of the sheep in one place, all right? I went to your farm the other day, and I saw one in the back yard, three way up on the ridge, two in the pond and one on the roof.
Albert: Okay, that's Bridget, all right? She has a problem
with retardation, but she's full of love.
Prairie Dog: Squeak!
Albert: [Cowering] It knows!
Anna: I don't think you should leave tomorrow. At least stay through the weekend. Isn't the fair on Saturday?
Albert: Oh, fuck that. I'm not going to the stupid fair. Louise is gonna be there, and she's gonna be with Foy. I don't wanna put myself through that kind of fucking aggravation.
Anna: Yeah, well, I'll go with you. No better
way to make your ex-girlfriend want you back more than to let her see you with another girl.
Albert: I don't know...
Anna: Especially a smoking hot girl. When she sees me, she'll be intimidated as fuck.
Albert: Oh, you're very modest, I see.
Anna: I'm a little cocky. But I got great tits.
Albert: You know, there are a million ways to die in the west, Clinch. There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights... And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes. And, you know, the funny thing is, you don't even have to get bitten. All you need is a little bit of the venom introduced into your bloodstream and you're pretty much screwed. For example, if you drain a certain amount of
venom from the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow-tip bullet, you really only need one shot. Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit you anywhere important. But if I caught you by surprise... Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark. And just a small amount of venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he's...
Ruth: Albert! He's dead.
You did it.
Albert: Oh.
Ruth: Yeah.
Albert: Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?
Edward: Uh... No. No, I don't think so.
Albert: Oh. Well, it was still good though.
Edward: Yeah, it was great!
Ruth: I thought it was really good.
[Albert notices a glow from inside a building and peeks inside]
Albert: Hello?
[It is Doc Brown from "Back to the Future" working on the DeLorean, which is under a tarp; Doc notices Albert and covers up the car]
Albert: What, uh... what's that?
Doc Brown: Nothing.
[stammers]
Doc Brown:
It's a weather experiment.
Albert: Oh.
[closes the door]
Doc Brown: Great Scott!