A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

George Stark: You're late!
Albert: For what?
George Stark: Fair enough.

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Edward: Hey, dude, you really shouldn't drink and horse.

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Anna: You're a good sheep farmer!
Albert: Oh my god, please! I suck at sheep. Louise was right, I can't keep track of them. There was a sheep in the whorehouse the last week.
Anna: Really?
Albert: Yeah. Wandered in there, and then when I went to pick it up, somehow it had made 20 dollars.

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Clinch: Where did you learn to shoot?
Albert: Your wife.
Edward: Oh, snap!

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

[from trailer]
Edward: This is my first vagina.
Ruth: You've never seen one?
Edward: No. I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something.
[pause while character lifts up skirt]
Edward: It's, uhh, it's, it's that, right?
Ruth: Oh yeah, it's this, it's like from here

to here.
Edward: Oh.
Ruth: But this is just the outside, there's these folds.
Edward: Okay, I'm gonna close the bible now.

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Foy: Challenge accepted!

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Louise: You're not even a good sheep farmer, Albert. Your sheep are everywhere. The one thing a sheep farmer has to do is keep all of the sheep in one place, all right? I went to your farm the other day, and I saw one in the back yard, three way up on the ridge, two in the pond and one on the roof.
Albert: Okay, that's Bridget, all right? She has a problem

with retardation, but she's full of love.

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Millie: You're okay with your girlfriend screwing, like, 15 different guys every day and getting paid to do it?
Edward: Oh, my job sucks too.

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Albert: I'm not the hero. I'm the guy in the crowd making fun of the hero's shirt; that's who I am.

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Albert: ...and all I had to do was distract you while the poison entered your bloodstream.
Edward: Albert, he's dead. He's been dead for a few minutes.
Albert: Oh. Well, did he at least hear all the smart things I said?

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Gunman at Fair in Final Scene: [after shooting someone] People die at the fair.

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Albert: [Being offered a pot cookie by Anna] The last time somebody gave me one of these, I became convinced that prairie dogs could read my mind.

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Prairie Dog: Squeak!
Albert: [Cowering] It knows!

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Anna: I don't think you should leave tomorrow. At least stay through the weekend. Isn't the fair on Saturday?
Albert: Oh, fuck that. I'm not going to the stupid fair. Louise is gonna be there, and she's gonna be with Foy. I don't wanna put myself through that kind of fucking aggravation.
Anna: Yeah, well, I'll go with you. No better

way to make your ex-girlfriend want you back more than to let her see you with another girl.
Albert: I don't know...
Anna: Especially a smoking hot girl. When she sees me, she'll be intimidated as fuck.
Albert: Oh, you're very modest, I see.
Anna: I'm a little cocky. But I got great tits.

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Albert: You know what else can kill you? Doctors!

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Albert: [Before drinking from the bowl with the indian tribe] "Mila Kunis" - subtitled as "Fine"

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Anna: There is something about connecting over mutual hatred that is just so much deeper than mutual love.

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Albert: You know, there are a million ways to die in the west, Clinch. There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights... And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes. And, you know, the funny thing is, you don't even have to get bitten. All you need is a little bit of the venom introduced into your bloodstream and you're pretty much screwed. For example, if you drain a certain amount of

venom from the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow-tip bullet, you really only need one shot. Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit you anywhere important. But if I caught you by surprise... Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark. And just a small amount of venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he's...
Ruth: Albert! He's dead.

You did it.
Albert: Oh.
Ruth: Yeah.
Albert: Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?
Edward: Uh... No. No, I don't think so.
Albert: Oh. Well, it was still good though.
Edward: Yeah, it was great!
Ruth: I thought it was really good.


A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

[Albert notices a glow from inside a building and peeks inside]
Albert: Hello?
[It is Doc Brown from "Back to the Future" working on the DeLorean, which is under a tarp; Doc notices Albert and covers up the car]
Albert: What, uh... what's that?
Doc Brown: Nothing.
[stammers]
Doc Brown:

It's a weather experiment.
Albert: Oh.
[closes the door]
Doc Brown: Great Scott!

A Million Ways to Die in the West
A Million Ways to Die in the West

Albert: [At target practice] I fired a gun at the shooting gallery.
Anna: Yeah, but those are quarter loads. These are full loads.
Albert: Okay, all right, get ready. I'm about to shoot a full load at your cans.