Captain Dickson: Hey, hey! Stop fuckin' with Korean Jesus. He ain't got time for yo problems, he's busy wit Korean shit!
[last lines]
Captain Dickson: New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko: Oh, I love Disneyland!
Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to
college!
Schmidt: Yes!
Jenko: No!
Deputy Chief Hardy: We're reviving a canceled undercover police program from the '80s and revamping it for modern times. You see the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas, so all they do now is recycle shit from the past and expect us all not to notice.
Captain Dickson: [going over the rule of not having sexual relations with teachers or students; to Jenko] That's you, man. Don't do it. Keep that dirty dick inside your pants. Don't fuck no students, don't fuck no teachers...
Schmidt: Sir, I know we may look like a couple of lady-killers, but me and my partner will be super professional...
Captain Dickson: Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub-looking motherfucker. I was talking to your partner, fake-ass Handsome McGee here. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say "shut the fuck up," I'm talking to you.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Do you even know the Miranda rights?
Jenko: It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...
Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt: Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...
Annie Schmidt: What kind of a sick animal draws an ejaculating penis into a 8-year-old's mouth?
Jenko: It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.
Annie Schmidt: You think I don't know that's a dick and balls? I know all about dick and balls! I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober, when he was really fucked up and a
lot of fun!
Tom Hanson: [pointing gun at Schmidt and Jenko] Goddamn it! Tom Hanson, DEA!
[pointing gun at Domingo]
Tom Hanson: On your knees! Now!
Officer Doug Penhall: Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!
Domingo: What the...
Officer Doug Penhall: Put your guns on the ground!
Schmidt: Yes! Yes!
Tom Hanson: Shut the fuck up! You dweebs just ruined a five year investigation!
Schmidt: We had no idea, you're like, an amazing actor, man.
Domingo: You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!
Tom Hanson: Tough titty, I fucked her too!
Domingo: What?
Tom Hanson: You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this? You see this nose? This is a fake nose. You want to wear a fake nose on your fucking head? For, like, months on end!
Schmidt: There are worse things in the world.
Tom Hanson: We had to get
fucking tattoos on our dicks, man!
Officer Doug Penhall: Actually, I just said that to mess with you.
Tom Hanson: What?
Officer Doug Penhall: It looks tough.
Jenko: Hey, man, look we know what its like being undercover. Metro Police, Jump Street division.
Tom Hanson: You're with
the Jump Street? That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.
Jenko: What? That's crazy, man!
Tom Hanson: Yeah!
Eric Molson: You know what they do to handsome guy like me in prison. It Rhymes with GRAPE. It Rhymes with grape.
Captain Dickson: You are here because you some Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers.
Captain Dickson: The mission is this: infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Jenko: We get to be brothers?
Captain Dickson: [slams desk] Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
Jenko: But if we find the supplier first, we don't have to worry about the dealers.
Captain Dickson:
God damn.
[slams desk]
Captain Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
Principal Dadier: I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face away from a nervous breakdown.